Hello everyone. You know what I have decided? I hate Ashely so much, she's getting her own song. It's called "Loser" because she's so scared she's going to die from a rash. And yet.....she thinks people WITH LIVES are losers. And I know she's going to say,"If you got somethin' to say....say it in English." But you know what. It's more fun when you can't understand and pretend you do.

Dear Ashely,
Препятствуйте нам посмотреть определение задержано в развитии. оно кажется ваше изображение около его. Не что сярприз? Вы будете loser не может погулять прогулка.

Wenn Sie nicht m�gen, was ich sage, aufrichtig glaube ich, da� Sie kann lecken mein arse. Ich hoffe, da� bald ich in der LageBIN, Mittel des
�berschusses....ich mienen... in Sie bald laufen zu lassen. Haben Sie einen sch�nen Tag, Verlierer. Ach- ja, dachten Sie �berhaupt, um zu �berpr�fen und zu sehen, ob Sie Krabben haben,diesen Hautausschlag zu begleiten?

I head back into the studio Monday. Ahh stress relief.

Idiot quote of the day: "I'm impotent and proud of it!!!!........wait.....that's not right. IMPORTANT! Yeahhhh that's it!"

I realized today I actually like a certain person....and I never realized I liked them before. Hmm...now I have a paradox on my hands....and a very complicated situation.

Final note: Why must Jamie always open the door, lean out and say,"Peek-a-boo"? ...Crazy man...

First note: I do NOT look like Donna from that 70's show. We have the same nose so everyone automatically assumes we have the same face. No.

Second note: Pam you forgot to mention Rammstein as great artists who write their own stuff. SHAME ON YOU! haha

I have Linda Hamilton arms finally! I'm so proud of myself. Now I actually look like I can kill somebody (instead of just being able to without looking it.) Life is good...even if your step-mother does want to kill you.

Soon, my love. I'll be in Berlin.

I almost forgot...

I am in the best of moods right now. Christian Bale is going to be the new Batman. I'm not happy because I like Batman...frankly I could care less. I just want to see Christian Bale. Mmmness. You know, if his wife ever divorces him I'd be more than happy to be there to pick up the pieces and mend his aching heart. :: innocent smile::

My hero has passed on. Well....sort of hero. Johnny Cash would have understood me...and he might've been the only one. He would have known that wearing black all the time doesn't mean you're a freak. I, for one, prefer the term "Unique". I rhymed....woo...
Everyone is dying it seems. Most of my immediate family is now gone and things are getting stranger and stranger. But, no matter....I like them the way they are. Thanks to that....I know now where I'm supposed to be in life...and believe me....I'll get there. I don't know how and I don't know when...but I will get there.

I spent 3 hours tonight changing a toilet seat. Yes ladies and gentlemen....a toilet seat. My father rigged it somehow or someway and it was impossible to remove. Hercules would have even had trouble. But...I prevailed. As always. Although I fear I smell somewhat toilet-scented.

I used to wonder why I like what I do. Now I don't care. We are who we are because that's what we are, for whatever reason or another. The things I have become obsessed with would scare even the most insane. But do I care? No. I have one chance to live and I'm going to live it as dangerously as possible. Why am I rambling? I don't know. All I know is more and more I find myself missing the past. Something I always swore I would never do. They always say,"There are better things ahead than any you leave behind." If that's so....how come the past always looks so appealing and the future so dismal? There are still questions that go unanswered. Like....why do I love someone only to lose them? Why do I find peace in the dispair? Why am I a nocturnal masochist who loves fire? Why does holding a gun in my hand make me feel happy? The world may never know. All I know is I'm different. I always have been. Sorry....I'm still babbling....but I have messages to give out....

To everyone who used me: Screw you
To everyone who said they loved me and then did me wrong: screw you even more
To Pinky: You deserve the best for supporting my dillusional views of reality
To Lori: Ditto. Remember...."If I go down, I'm taking you with me so I won't be lonely." lol
To people I haven't met: You don't want to know me
To people who love me: You can't handle it and it's too dangerous....don't bother.

What point was there to this blog? None....but I figure I should blog more even if I don't have anything to say. I will say I have 2 good friends that I trust. They have finally earned my trust after knowing them 5+ years. They are the only two. That's all I have to say about that. Now I will leave you with my theme song for the moment....

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again,
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did,
It has not healed with time...
It just shot down my spine.
You look so beautiful tonight,
Remind me how you laid us down,
And gently smiled,
Before you destroyed my life...

Would you find it in your heart,
To make this go away,
And let me rest in pieces?
(Let me rest in pieces)
Would you find it in your heart,
To make this go away,
And let me rest in pieces?
(Let me rest in pieces)

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again,
You got much closer than I thought you did,
I'm in your reach,
You held me in your hands...

But could you find it in your heart,
To make this go away,
And let me rest in pieces?
(Let me rest in pieces)
Would you find it in your heart,
To make this go away,
And let me rest in pieces?
(Let me rest in pieces)

Could you find, could you find in your heart?
(Could you find, could you let me rest in pieces)
Could you find, could you find in your heart?
(Could you find, could you let me rest in pieces)

Time: 4 am
Location: Police Department
Problem: Tiredness intervenes with sanity

Scott: OMG! DEACON FINKEL! ahahaahaaaaa!!!!! Who would name their kid Deacon Finkel?!.....that's some funny shit...I gotta write that down....:: takes out pen and writes name on hand::
Me: What's so funny about it?
Scott: Finkel.....it sounds like fecal.....get it? hahahahaaaaa
Me: ah...right.
Scott: HEY SLINKY! hahaha Slinky's a funny word. anyway...check out this name....DEACON....FINKEL!!!! aaaaaaahahahaha.
Slinky: Yeah...right...that's hilarious Scott.

Scott: Yeah so this guy was talking about the third riech (reesh) earlier....
Me: You mean Third Reich (Reish)?
Scott: No he said Riech
Me: The third smell?
Scott: Oh is that what he was saying? hahahaha I didn't think it sounded right.

Jamie: Yeah I know German. Spriken see doosh?
Me: yyyeah....douchebag....
Jamie: hey cool, is that really a German word?!
Me: .....no.

Scott: I stopped a Spanish guy the other day. He was like,"me no speaka no english." So I said,'Okay then...Apague por favor el coche y tome las llaves de la ignici?n. Despu�s camine del coche y ponga sus manos en la capilla. Usted ir? ahora a encarcelar, y su mama es una vaca gorda grande. Tenga una tarde
agradable." Which is "Please turn off the car and take the keys out of the ignition. Then step out of the car and place your hands on the hood. You will be going to jail now, and your mom is a big fat cow. Have a pleasant evening.

Scott: How do you say 'Stop!' in German?
Me:....stop. (schtopp).
Scott: oh....okay.....well.....how do you say.."stop, I am the police!"
Me: Stop, Ich bin der Polizei.
Scott: Heyy cool.
Me: or just say,'Stop laufenden idioten, oder ich brenne Ihren Kopf weg durch.'
Scott: What's that?
Me: Stop running idiot, or I'll blow your head off.
Scott: :: contemplates for a second:: yeahhh I like that.
Me: Hey you're a sergeant right?
Scott: yeah.
Me: Well then just say,'Ich bin der Wachtmeister.' and they should stop.
Scott: Wachtmeister?
Me: yeah...it means 'police sergeant.'
Scott: Wachtmeister?!
Me: Ja, Wachmeister!
Scott: dude....that sounds like whacked mister. I am NOT saying that.

Scott: I recommend Finding Nemo to anyone who feels like laughing their ass off for an hour and a half.

Drunk guy 1:I stopped in the middle of the street because the clutch is bad.
Scott: The clutch or the brake?
Drunk guy 1: um...both?
Scott: Nice try.
Drunk guy 2: Yeah, and he be all stoppin' and jerkin' in da road cause o' dat clutch too!
Drunk guy 1: SHUTUP FOO'!
Drunk guy 2: No you shutup!
Drunk guy 1: YO MAMA
Drunk guy 2: Oh das it...
Jamie: Hey guys. Why don't you put on this pretty bracelet for me..
Both: Heyyy yeah! bracelets!! What they look like?
Jamie :: handcuffs them:: ..this...

It's funny......no....it's ironic now that I think about it. Terminator 3. I never thought I would come out of that movie wondering about life...but...I did....and I do. We can't stop the future, but yet we are a part of it. No matter how hard we try we can't change it and everything that happens is shaping us up for that one moment that is ours. I used to wonder why I was born now instead of a thousand years ago....a hundred years ago...or even 50 years ago. Why now? But now I realize....what we don't know.....we don't know for a reason. It's all leading up to a moment when we suddenly get it. If we knew beforehand...we would try unsuccessfully to change it, screwing things up in the process. An enigma if nothing else...

First of all...let me just say that I totally agree with Pam on the contentness issues of late. If no one has any idea what those are...go read her blog. (By the way Pam you do know what "Voulez vous coucher avec moi, Ce soir?" means right? yeahh you probably do and that's why you put it lol.) So I'm here in Charleston..."enjoying za nice weazah." I had a lot of workshops today, but...I survived. I met Joey(Johnny) and Sissy(Kathy) from Family Affair. They are so nice and Johnny's hilarious. Hmm...what else what else. Oh yes...I seem to unknowingly be attracted to divorced older men. What's WRONG WITH ME?! Okay I'm too tired to type anything else. Wish me luck.

I was watching this show the other day. Something about the search for America's top model. This girl Elyse...she did everything wrong on her modeling. She slumped, she started with the wrong foot, and she stomped when she walked. But yet....everyone thought she was the greatest thing. I think it was because she learned some French phrases or something. This other girl...she had NO personality whatsoever. She was like,"I'm so excited we're going to France..." but she said it like she was a hypnotized drone. and this one girl Robin...she had a body. And a good one too. and this woman goes,"France has no place for plus size models." She had the freaking body of a goddess...but just because she wasn't a 34 waist size....oh she's not good enough. I swear I hate this industry. Sometimes I would like to hurt them. Okay I'm stepping off my soap box now.

I had a relatively good birthday today. (The 27th. If you're reading this, you owe me a present. You're late.) I mailed Pam's tickets today so she can go to 104 fest without me :( I wanted to go...but :: sigh::....destiny calls. So I performed for my teacher today and she was so impressed she said I was going into the "Professional" category if she had to defy her boss. I'm so proud. :) That man at IMTA with his stupid low rate sitcom doesn't know what he's talking about.

Oh yes...and I saw Jon today. Miranda was with him. Ohh how I love days like this. She apparently wants to control Jon and she does not like me in the least. Exxxxxcceelllennnttt. So when Jon gave me flowers and a card for my birthday, I made a show of it by giving him a much more than affectionate hug and glaring at her with a death stare. I thoroughly enjoy those moments.

In Pam's exuberant joy she has apparently forgotten to tell everyone on her blog that I'll be coming to see her for July 4th. Oh, to 104 fest we will go, to 104 fest we will go. High ho the derry-o to 104 fest we will go.

Take it from me...never eat before you go to sleep. If you do...you will have dreams such as the ones I'm about to inform you of. Enjoy...

---I was the Terminator. All male...Arnold Schwarzenegger. My ears had been pulled off as well as my nose and all that was left was the terminator skull in those areas. I was trying to figure out why I couldn't get my eye scanned so I went to this machine and started typing things into it. I kept telling myself I had to remember what came next because this was an old Terminator movie from 1984. I dunno why...don't ask. Anyway...this long metal rod came out and for identity verification I had to shove it up my nasal cavity and press some trigger thing that released air into my "nose". It really looked like I was snorting cocaine. The wall came open and it gave me what looked like a camera lens. I held it up to my eye and kept looking at it and I could see in the reflection of the lens that my eyes were yellow. I was studying myself like I was some foreign specimen and all of a sudden Lori and Pam came running in and Lori was screaming,"HEATHER! IT'S JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIE! GODZILLA'S HERE!!!! YOU HAVE TO DESTROY HIM!" so in all my muscular man-ness I ran outside and flexed a couple times like I was some chip-n-dale. Pam smacked me in the back of the head, stuck her finger in my metal ear hole and pulled my head up to look at the sky. "Godzilla" was a gigantic purple balloon dragon. Breathing fire that had obviously been added for special effects. I looked at it in disbelief and said,"boy...talk about CHEAP GRAPHICS...'' then...the end.

---I don't think I was a prostitute...but...I could have been. I went to go buy a ticket for the train in NYC and the only clothes I was wearing were a pair of daisy dukes (cut even shorter for added effect) and something on my sides below my arms. Nothing covering necessary places. My hair was bleached blonde and curled like in the 50's and I was wearing bright red lipstick. The guy at the ticket counter was of course staring at me dumbfounded, but I just took my ticket and went on my merry way. When I got to my hotel room, I studied myself in the reflection of the mirror and tried to think of ways to make myself look as slutty as possible without getting arrested.

---Our entire living room was made out of plastic cups. and our backyard was a junk yard. But there was an evil junkyard man we had to escape from. So I would jump in old cars that shouldn't have been able to run and had to use my feet to drive away like I was Fred Flintstone.

---I was at a restaurant that had seats like a school bus. The dixie Chicks were lounging around and I went up to them and exclaimed,"HEY! Do you know Rammstein?!" and Natalie said,"Of course. But they always want us to eat that nasty German food whenever we're around them so we don't see them that much." So we sat down and all of a sudden I was in my mom's car and Jimmy Fallon was in the back seat. I had a baby and it was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. I kept telling everyone it was mine and Buck's baby. (Buck being one of the characters in the Left Behind series. If you ever watched the movie, he was played by Kirk Cameron.) The baby had obviously messed his diaper more than once and I was running around the house trying to find diapers but couldn't find any. I asked my mom where they were and she told me to look in the hall closet. Jimmy said,"Oh he's so cute! (..gag me...) Can I hold him?" So I gratefully gave him to Jimmy thinking maybe he would change him instead of me having to because frankly i don't wanna see his...um....anyway....all of a sudden we were sitting in a run down restaurant and the waiter, who must've weighed 700 lbs, handed me a sheet and asked me to put a check beside the snickers bar. When I asked him why, he screamed,"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I HAVE TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY!!!!!!!" So I checked it for him and got up and went over to Lori and then looked back at Jimmy and started screaming,"LORI WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, JIMMY'S A SECRET AGENT!" and Jimmy got up, looking very evil I must say...and we ran out the door and there ended that dream.


Well, I hope you have enjoyed.

I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. So much anger....so much determination. Where did I get that from? Who knows. All I know is the past was the past and I enjoyed it while I had it, but I don't have it anymore. It's time to move on. If I get it back, great. If I don't....I didn't get it for a reason then. I will dwell on it no more..

"You never truly know someone until you fight them."

"Wait a minute! You....you go to my church!!" Her eyes were wide. She was scared...and I knew it. Jon had told me about her and she was aware of it. He had told me too much. I smiled a smile that let her know I would be in control from here on out and try to relieve her of her fears. So she wouldn't think that I was like "them". That pristine innocence that annoyed the rest of the world did not envelop me. So this was Miranda. The "skater chick" who "drinks too much" was the girl who went to my church. Interesting. This was Jon's new interest. Well...for the moment. I saw the look in his eyes and returned his gaze. As if assuring him he would find no other woman like me, but encouraged....almost dared him to try. Go on Jon...run to her. It won't be long before you realize no one can replace me...too bad I won't be there waiting.

Tee hee

In the evening sky there was peach. There was blue. There was purple. There was red. There was pink. There was life. And most of all...there was hope.