Yes Pam.....leave it to Till to leave you so hopeful lol. But it's a true quote, though. Whether it be through death or what...it eventually dies. :: sigh::

Well, tonight I finished my Dracula song. (Yes, it has a name, but I'm not writing it for the sake of the copyright.) It's the most awesome song in the history of time. But of course once you write a song about Dracula, you run the risk of being called things like "Spawn of Satan" "Evil one" and many other things...all of which I was called tonight. :) Ha. They should hear my song about Hitler...then they'll really think I'm a spawn of the devil. My Mom showed Tim an old picture of me and he said,"aww I know that Heather. She was so sweet." and I said,"Yeah...who knew in 3 years she'd write songs about Hitler and Dracula. :D" anddd I got a kiss. Tee hee. Gary added another guitar part...he is so coming on tour with me. That way I only have to pay him in backrubs. And Brian...well...I'll just let him get a lot of exposure so he'll be so starstruck I won't have to pay him either. :)

Ahhh it's so good to be back in the studio. Just walking down the hallway, my bad mood lifted and I felt at home. I was met by Brian who gave me a hug and said he missed me and was glad to be working with me again. Then Gary came and said,"I want you to know, I've been listening to Rammstein all day to try and get the feel of this song! :D" poor guy....lol but I love him. Then Keyter came in...and that's when I realized how right everything felt. He grinned really big and wrapped his arms around me and said,"It's SO good to be back working with you! You are so awesome....you have some serious creative genius." I don't blush often, but I did then...because Keyter is the most awesome musician in the history of time. He said I was his favorite person to work for :). aww I love you too Keyt. Of course it wouldn't have been a complete studio session if we didn't cut up most of the time. Keyter and I are both the same amount of Cherokee Indian, so we always change the lyrics to things like,"You stole our land white man." while Tim and I make up separate lyrics about crack. It wastes time, but it's fun. The song will be finished tomorrow....then it can be used for the soundtrack. Muwahahaha. More on the studio time tomorrow, but for now, I shall leave you with a quote from Till.

~~~"Love is like a flower, even the most beautiful kind dies."


So true. So true.

I'm glad I have at least one good friend in the world. a.k.a. Pam. (or Pinky, depending on the moment.) She is the only person who actually acknowledged that this tragedy even happened, and didn't immediately switch to what movies she saw recently. So thank you Pam. And yes, things will look up for me. This soundtrack deal has my name written all over it.

Thanksgiving sucked...and it's ruined for the rest of my life. My uncle called this morning and said that my aunt's best friend (Who I was also close to) was murdered and they found her and her husband's body yesterday, but he only found out this morning. I don't even want to celebrate this stupid holiday anymore. That's all.

I figured it's about time I post. I've been meaning to for a while, but haven't gotten around to it. (When exciting things are happening like the entire police dept. chasing down a car with a refridgerator strapped to the trunk I just don't have the time to write.) Hopefully soon I shall leave this god-forsaken town to go to Berlin. Where my true home is. But only time will tell.

I think it's funny how people get the wrong ideas. There are people I know that apparently think they know who they're talking to. They don't use names, but they give out subtle hints. I, for one, am not so subtle. Ashely, it's not sacred. It's stupid. Get over it. Dankesch�n. Tsch��.

I'm also sick of people who whine about things as if they could be changed. They let themselves be run over. Why? What is the joy in getting your face smacked in the pavement over and over again? Why can you not stand up for yourself and just say what needs to be said? It's beyond me. I've also decided to write a song about Hitler, it will be on the same album as my song about Dracula. Muahahaha. Pam, hopefully I shall be able to come visit before I leave Hell.

If you're going to say "y'all", please spell it correctly. And furthermore.....it's soda....not pop. I'm starting a poll. Everyone who says pop....tell me where you're from. I'm going to prove to you Pam that this is a northern thing. lol

I sat in the graveyard for Halloween. It's ironic that I find such peace there. With all the crazy things going on outside, the lights and sirens going off...I just sat with the dead and looked at the sky.

To all the stupid people out there: "Ich bin dein Negativ....und ich komme f�r Sie."

Yet another quote....

"She looks like she did the 100 yd. dash in a 90 yd. gym. :: insert head smack motion and pained grunt::"

We hit a deer last night while looking for a car that had a gigantic fridge strapped to the back of it. Poor deer :( Oh well, it'll take 2 asprin and feel better in the morning.

Jamie stopped me last night. "Excuse me....I wasn't going 48." "Yes you were." "No way." "Yes way!" "Loser!" "So?!....wait....." haha, I love him.

When people are trying to contain laughter...have you ever noticed how they look constipated? I have found my stress relief in screaming at stupid people 3 ways to Sunday. I guess some people find my comments rather amusing. Woo hoo.

On a final note....I have never been so turned on by cologne in my life. I have sunken to a new low.

Hey Pam, I have a new quote you can use for the people you despise most. You can thank Jamie for it later.

"She looks like she's been hit with a 100 lb. bag of 'What the hell?'"

People often wonder why I surround myself with men. The answer: I hate girls/women. Their stupidity annoys me. Granted I may be one of them, but it doesn't mean I act like them. I got stuck behind 4 dumb blonde crackheads tonight. They squealed excessively, for one thing. For another thing, one girl had just gotten on the Real World and was delirious. She kept yelling,"Want me to sign something for you? I'M GONNA BE FAMOUS!" "DO YOU REALIZE A FAMOUS PERSON IS HOLDING YOUR PEN???" ''OMG I'M LIKE SO FAMOUS!!!!!!!!" ...right.... just gag me with a fork.

Sometimes I wonder if the world is ready for me.
Then I realize....it isn't. Oops.

I tried to put in a cartoon I found, but it won't let me because it's stupid. I'll have to ask Pam how since she's the queen of this. Hmmm...

On another note: I've finished most of the studio work. I have some video ideas now. Alles in ordnung. muahaha.

First I'll start of by posting something I realized while driving the other day. You know you live in a redneck town when you see someone outside spraypainting their lawn green because it wasn't "the right color". Yeah.....moving on....

I indent, but yet when I publish the post, it goes away. Makes me irritable indeed. So what was I going to say....oh yes. More of life's rantings. I am now pitting the Army and the Air Force against each other. Whoever offers me the better deal, I will go with. :: sigh:: Being a genius is hard work sometimes. But fun, nonetheless. I must congratulate my mother's friend. She has made me so mad I was actually shaking with anger. It's a new record for me. I wanted to kill her with my bare hands and laugh like an insane maniac while doing it. She had the nerve to say that a certain someone wasn't good enough for me because he was a "dirty old man". Oh no. She doesn't know him. She has no right to judge him. And he isn't even that old. I have made my point. Now if you all will excuse me I have to go retrieve paper from my dog.

As Oli would say,"Pain or sorrow is the best starting point for artistic expression." Such deep words from a man who rarely uses any. (words not artistic expression) The songs are coming along quite beautifully. They reflect the deepest part of my soul that I locked away for a long time because no one cared about it and it had to come out some way. So it did so in song. Once "Timmy" finishes his bass line and Rusty finishes his guitars......it will be nice. Very nice indeed.

It's always interesting to be singing and look over only to see your 60-something year old keyboard player headbanging. In a suit, I might add. But the man is nevertheless a genius. He also kept trying to make me laugh by sticking his lips out and moving back and forth making noises like a lightsaber. However that's not as bad as my drummer...who slammed up against the glass and puffed out his mouth and slid down the glass. But I guess I'll forgive him because he gives excellent backrubs.

We thought about doing an indian song since my keyboarder and I are both indian. Tim and the drummer decided they wanted to do backup, so they started doing the indian chants along with him, except extremely out of key. I wish I could have tape-recorded that to use for blackmail later.

Weird things are definately happening around here. I'm getting "signs" and "dreams" more often. So something big is about to happen, and I think I know what. But I shall refrain from saying it until I am more certain. Good-bye for now.

Hello everyone. You know what I have decided? I hate Ashely so much, she's getting her own song. It's called "Loser" because she's so scared she's going to die from a rash. And yet.....she thinks people WITH LIVES are losers. And I know she's going to say,"If you got somethin' to say....say it in English." But you know what. It's more fun when you can't understand and pretend you do.

Dear Ashely,
Препятствуйте нам посмотреть определение задержано в развитии. оно кажется ваше изображение около его. Не что сярприз? Вы будете loser не может погулять прогулка.

Wenn Sie nicht m�gen, was ich sage, aufrichtig glaube ich, da� Sie kann lecken mein arse. Ich hoffe, da� bald ich in der LageBIN, Mittel des
�berschusses....ich mienen... in Sie bald laufen zu lassen. Haben Sie einen sch�nen Tag, Verlierer. Ach- ja, dachten Sie �berhaupt, um zu �berpr�fen und zu sehen, ob Sie Krabben haben,diesen Hautausschlag zu begleiten?

I head back into the studio Monday. Ahh stress relief.

Idiot quote of the day: "I'm impotent and proud of it!!!!........wait.....that's not right. IMPORTANT! Yeahhhh that's it!"

I realized today I actually like a certain person....and I never realized I liked them before. Hmm...now I have a paradox on my hands....and a very complicated situation.

Final note: Why must Jamie always open the door, lean out and say,"Peek-a-boo"? ...Crazy man...

First note: I do NOT look like Donna from that 70's show. We have the same nose so everyone automatically assumes we have the same face. No.

Second note: Pam you forgot to mention Rammstein as great artists who write their own stuff. SHAME ON YOU! haha

I have Linda Hamilton arms finally! I'm so proud of myself. Now I actually look like I can kill somebody (instead of just being able to without looking it.) Life is good...even if your step-mother does want to kill you.

Soon, my love. I'll be in Berlin.

I almost forgot...

I am in the best of moods right now. Christian Bale is going to be the new Batman. I'm not happy because I like Batman...frankly I could care less. I just want to see Christian Bale. Mmmness. You know, if his wife ever divorces him I'd be more than happy to be there to pick up the pieces and mend his aching heart. :: innocent smile::

My hero has passed on. Well....sort of hero. Johnny Cash would have understood me...and he might've been the only one. He would have known that wearing black all the time doesn't mean you're a freak. I, for one, prefer the term "Unique". I rhymed....woo...
Everyone is dying it seems. Most of my immediate family is now gone and things are getting stranger and stranger. But, no matter....I like them the way they are. Thanks to that....I know now where I'm supposed to be in life...and believe me....I'll get there. I don't know how and I don't know when...but I will get there.

I spent 3 hours tonight changing a toilet seat. Yes ladies and gentlemen....a toilet seat. My father rigged it somehow or someway and it was impossible to remove. Hercules would have even had trouble. But...I prevailed. As always. Although I fear I smell somewhat toilet-scented.

I used to wonder why I like what I do. Now I don't care. We are who we are because that's what we are, for whatever reason or another. The things I have become obsessed with would scare even the most insane. But do I care? No. I have one chance to live and I'm going to live it as dangerously as possible. Why am I rambling? I don't know. All I know is more and more I find myself missing the past. Something I always swore I would never do. They always say,"There are better things ahead than any you leave behind." If that's so....how come the past always looks so appealing and the future so dismal? There are still questions that go unanswered. Like....why do I love someone only to lose them? Why do I find peace in the dispair? Why am I a nocturnal masochist who loves fire? Why does holding a gun in my hand make me feel happy? The world may never know. All I know is I'm different. I always have been. Sorry....I'm still babbling....but I have messages to give out....

To everyone who used me: Screw you
To everyone who said they loved me and then did me wrong: screw you even more
To Pinky: You deserve the best for supporting my dillusional views of reality
To Lori: Ditto. Remember...."If I go down, I'm taking you with me so I won't be lonely." lol
To people I haven't met: You don't want to know me
To people who love me: You can't handle it and it's too dangerous....don't bother.

What point was there to this blog? None....but I figure I should blog more even if I don't have anything to say. I will say I have 2 good friends that I trust. They have finally earned my trust after knowing them 5+ years. They are the only two. That's all I have to say about that. Now I will leave you with my theme song for the moment....

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again,
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did,
It has not healed with time...
It just shot down my spine.
You look so beautiful tonight,
Remind me how you laid us down,
And gently smiled,
Before you destroyed my life...

Would you find it in your heart,
To make this go away,
And let me rest in pieces?
(Let me rest in pieces)
Would you find it in your heart,
To make this go away,
And let me rest in pieces?
(Let me rest in pieces)

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again,
You got much closer than I thought you did,
I'm in your reach,
You held me in your hands...

But could you find it in your heart,
To make this go away,
And let me rest in pieces?
(Let me rest in pieces)
Would you find it in your heart,
To make this go away,
And let me rest in pieces?
(Let me rest in pieces)

Could you find, could you find in your heart?
(Could you find, could you let me rest in pieces)
Could you find, could you find in your heart?
(Could you find, could you let me rest in pieces)

Time: 4 am
Location: Police Department
Problem: Tiredness intervenes with sanity

Scott: OMG! DEACON FINKEL! ahahaahaaaaa!!!!! Who would name their kid Deacon Finkel?!.....that's some funny shit...I gotta write that down....:: takes out pen and writes name on hand::
Me: What's so funny about it?
Scott: Finkel.....it sounds like fecal.....get it? hahahahaaaaa
Me: ah...right.
Scott: HEY SLINKY! hahaha Slinky's a funny word. anyway...check out this name....DEACON....FINKEL!!!! aaaaaaahahahaha.
Slinky: Yeah...right...that's hilarious Scott.

Scott: Yeah so this guy was talking about the third riech (reesh) earlier....
Me: You mean Third Reich (Reish)?
Scott: No he said Riech
Me: The third smell?
Scott: Oh is that what he was saying? hahahaha I didn't think it sounded right.

Jamie: Yeah I know German. Spriken see doosh?
Me: yyyeah....douchebag....
Jamie: hey cool, is that really a German word?!
Me: .....no.

Scott: I stopped a Spanish guy the other day. He was like,"me no speaka no english." So I said,'Okay then...Apague por favor el coche y tome las llaves de la ignici?n. Despu�s camine del coche y ponga sus manos en la capilla. Usted ir? ahora a encarcelar, y su mama es una vaca gorda grande. Tenga una tarde
agradable." Which is "Please turn off the car and take the keys out of the ignition. Then step out of the car and place your hands on the hood. You will be going to jail now, and your mom is a big fat cow. Have a pleasant evening.

Scott: How do you say 'Stop!' in German?
Me:....stop. (schtopp).
Scott: oh....okay.....well.....how do you say.."stop, I am the police!"
Me: Stop, Ich bin der Polizei.
Scott: Heyy cool.
Me: or just say,'Stop laufenden idioten, oder ich brenne Ihren Kopf weg durch.'
Scott: What's that?
Me: Stop running idiot, or I'll blow your head off.
Scott: :: contemplates for a second:: yeahhh I like that.
Me: Hey you're a sergeant right?
Scott: yeah.
Me: Well then just say,'Ich bin der Wachtmeister.' and they should stop.
Scott: Wachtmeister?
Me: yeah...it means 'police sergeant.'
Scott: Wachtmeister?!
Me: Ja, Wachmeister!
Scott: dude....that sounds like whacked mister. I am NOT saying that.

Scott: I recommend Finding Nemo to anyone who feels like laughing their ass off for an hour and a half.

Drunk guy 1:I stopped in the middle of the street because the clutch is bad.
Scott: The clutch or the brake?
Drunk guy 1: um...both?
Scott: Nice try.
Drunk guy 2: Yeah, and he be all stoppin' and jerkin' in da road cause o' dat clutch too!
Drunk guy 1: SHUTUP FOO'!
Drunk guy 2: No you shutup!
Drunk guy 1: YO MAMA
Drunk guy 2: Oh das it...
Jamie: Hey guys. Why don't you put on this pretty bracelet for me..
Both: Heyyy yeah! bracelets!! What they look like?
Jamie :: handcuffs them:: ..this...

It's funny......no....it's ironic now that I think about it. Terminator 3. I never thought I would come out of that movie wondering about life...but...I did....and I do. We can't stop the future, but yet we are a part of it. No matter how hard we try we can't change it and everything that happens is shaping us up for that one moment that is ours. I used to wonder why I was born now instead of a thousand years ago....a hundred years ago...or even 50 years ago. Why now? But now I realize....what we don't know.....we don't know for a reason. It's all leading up to a moment when we suddenly get it. If we knew beforehand...we would try unsuccessfully to change it, screwing things up in the process. An enigma if nothing else...

First of all...let me just say that I totally agree with Pam on the contentness issues of late. If no one has any idea what those are...go read her blog. (By the way Pam you do know what "Voulez vous coucher avec moi, Ce soir?" means right? yeahh you probably do and that's why you put it lol.) So I'm here in Charleston..."enjoying za nice weazah." I had a lot of workshops today, but...I survived. I met Joey(Johnny) and Sissy(Kathy) from Family Affair. They are so nice and Johnny's hilarious. Hmm...what else what else. Oh yes...I seem to unknowingly be attracted to divorced older men. What's WRONG WITH ME?! Okay I'm too tired to type anything else. Wish me luck.

I was watching this show the other day. Something about the search for America's top model. This girl Elyse...she did everything wrong on her modeling. She slumped, she started with the wrong foot, and she stomped when she walked. But yet....everyone thought she was the greatest thing. I think it was because she learned some French phrases or something. This other girl...she had NO personality whatsoever. She was like,"I'm so excited we're going to France..." but she said it like she was a hypnotized drone. and this one girl Robin...she had a body. And a good one too. and this woman goes,"France has no place for plus size models." She had the freaking body of a goddess...but just because she wasn't a 34 waist size....oh she's not good enough. I swear I hate this industry. Sometimes I would like to hurt them. Okay I'm stepping off my soap box now.

I had a relatively good birthday today. (The 27th. If you're reading this, you owe me a present. You're late.) I mailed Pam's tickets today so she can go to 104 fest without me :( I wanted to go...but :: sigh::....destiny calls. So I performed for my teacher today and she was so impressed she said I was going into the "Professional" category if she had to defy her boss. I'm so proud. :) That man at IMTA with his stupid low rate sitcom doesn't know what he's talking about.

Oh yes...and I saw Jon today. Miranda was with him. Ohh how I love days like this. She apparently wants to control Jon and she does not like me in the least. Exxxxxcceelllennnttt. So when Jon gave me flowers and a card for my birthday, I made a show of it by giving him a much more than affectionate hug and glaring at her with a death stare. I thoroughly enjoy those moments.

In Pam's exuberant joy she has apparently forgotten to tell everyone on her blog that I'll be coming to see her for July 4th. Oh, to 104 fest we will go, to 104 fest we will go. High ho the derry-o to 104 fest we will go.

Take it from me...never eat before you go to sleep. If you do...you will have dreams such as the ones I'm about to inform you of. Enjoy...

---I was the Terminator. All male...Arnold Schwarzenegger. My ears had been pulled off as well as my nose and all that was left was the terminator skull in those areas. I was trying to figure out why I couldn't get my eye scanned so I went to this machine and started typing things into it. I kept telling myself I had to remember what came next because this was an old Terminator movie from 1984. I dunno why...don't ask. Anyway...this long metal rod came out and for identity verification I had to shove it up my nasal cavity and press some trigger thing that released air into my "nose". It really looked like I was snorting cocaine. The wall came open and it gave me what looked like a camera lens. I held it up to my eye and kept looking at it and I could see in the reflection of the lens that my eyes were yellow. I was studying myself like I was some foreign specimen and all of a sudden Lori and Pam came running in and Lori was screaming,"HEATHER! IT'S JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIE! GODZILLA'S HERE!!!! YOU HAVE TO DESTROY HIM!" so in all my muscular man-ness I ran outside and flexed a couple times like I was some chip-n-dale. Pam smacked me in the back of the head, stuck her finger in my metal ear hole and pulled my head up to look at the sky. "Godzilla" was a gigantic purple balloon dragon. Breathing fire that had obviously been added for special effects. I looked at it in disbelief and said,"boy...talk about CHEAP GRAPHICS...'' then...the end.

---I don't think I was a prostitute...but...I could have been. I went to go buy a ticket for the train in NYC and the only clothes I was wearing were a pair of daisy dukes (cut even shorter for added effect) and something on my sides below my arms. Nothing covering necessary places. My hair was bleached blonde and curled like in the 50's and I was wearing bright red lipstick. The guy at the ticket counter was of course staring at me dumbfounded, but I just took my ticket and went on my merry way. When I got to my hotel room, I studied myself in the reflection of the mirror and tried to think of ways to make myself look as slutty as possible without getting arrested.

---Our entire living room was made out of plastic cups. and our backyard was a junk yard. But there was an evil junkyard man we had to escape from. So I would jump in old cars that shouldn't have been able to run and had to use my feet to drive away like I was Fred Flintstone.

---I was at a restaurant that had seats like a school bus. The dixie Chicks were lounging around and I went up to them and exclaimed,"HEY! Do you know Rammstein?!" and Natalie said,"Of course. But they always want us to eat that nasty German food whenever we're around them so we don't see them that much." So we sat down and all of a sudden I was in my mom's car and Jimmy Fallon was in the back seat. I had a baby and it was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. I kept telling everyone it was mine and Buck's baby. (Buck being one of the characters in the Left Behind series. If you ever watched the movie, he was played by Kirk Cameron.) The baby had obviously messed his diaper more than once and I was running around the house trying to find diapers but couldn't find any. I asked my mom where they were and she told me to look in the hall closet. Jimmy said,"Oh he's so cute! (..gag me...) Can I hold him?" So I gratefully gave him to Jimmy thinking maybe he would change him instead of me having to because frankly i don't wanna see his...um....anyway....all of a sudden we were sitting in a run down restaurant and the waiter, who must've weighed 700 lbs, handed me a sheet and asked me to put a check beside the snickers bar. When I asked him why, he screamed,"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I HAVE TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY!!!!!!!" So I checked it for him and got up and went over to Lori and then looked back at Jimmy and started screaming,"LORI WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, JIMMY'S A SECRET AGENT!" and Jimmy got up, looking very evil I must say...and we ran out the door and there ended that dream.


Well, I hope you have enjoyed.

I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. So much anger....so much determination. Where did I get that from? Who knows. All I know is the past was the past and I enjoyed it while I had it, but I don't have it anymore. It's time to move on. If I get it back, great. If I don't....I didn't get it for a reason then. I will dwell on it no more..

"You never truly know someone until you fight them."

"Wait a minute! You....you go to my church!!" Her eyes were wide. She was scared...and I knew it. Jon had told me about her and she was aware of it. He had told me too much. I smiled a smile that let her know I would be in control from here on out and try to relieve her of her fears. So she wouldn't think that I was like "them". That pristine innocence that annoyed the rest of the world did not envelop me. So this was Miranda. The "skater chick" who "drinks too much" was the girl who went to my church. Interesting. This was Jon's new interest. Well...for the moment. I saw the look in his eyes and returned his gaze. As if assuring him he would find no other woman like me, but encouraged....almost dared him to try. Go on Jon...run to her. It won't be long before you realize no one can replace me...too bad I won't be there waiting.

Tee hee

In the evening sky there was peach. There was blue. There was purple. There was red. There was pink. There was life. And most of all...there was hope.

"Why was I here?" I wondered as I stared at myself in the mirror and noticed for the first time that black pantyhose make my calves look rediculously huge. "Why would they put gigantic glass mirrors that blow every part of your body way out of proportion?" I also wondered. Then I noticed the calves of the barbie beside me. Her whole entire body was the size of one of my calves. I sighed. Then again hoping someone would save me from this insane world. Alas. I am still here. We watched a video of some of the things they do at MIE and it left me with a very uneasy feeling. Seeing girls so tiny a light breeze would blow them high enough into the air Mary Poppins herself would have been proud (and they don't even need an umbrella) in bathing suits left me with an uneasy feeling. There's no way they would put someone who didn't have the perfect body in a bikini like that and march them down the runway. Finally, after sitting in that freaking chair for 2 hours it was my turn. I walked in and she wanted me to do the runway. She looked at me one time, smiled, and then looked down. She never returned my gaze as I tried to read her. Why wouldn't she look at me? I already knew. "MIE only takes girls that have a waist size of no more than 36." Thanks for telling me that at the beginning.....wench. She tried to make up for it by talking about how beautiful I was and that I had such a "pretty face" I wanted to punch her in hers. That's what they tell fat people and I am by no means fat. "Oh you have such a pretty face." Whatever. Why don't you just kiss my fluffy butt. I saw some of the girls they took. They must have been desperate. They clomped down the runway, fell over, slouched, did everything wrong and still got in. I was perfect and couldn't go because I didn't fit the requirements. Apparently there are no I.Q. requirements. Otherwise no one would be going. I feel sorry for the girls who didn't get in. They were crying, rejected once again and they were trying so hard. They were promised a job...they were told women their size were in demand. But they...like me...were being rejected. I don't have a category. I am neither fat nor tiny. I'm square in the middle. I'm the thinnest "plus-size" person. My hips will never be a 36. God built me wide. So they can deal with it. They only offer false hope. I need it not. I would much rather tote a machine gun and blast out my frustration on cardboard cutouts than clomp down a runway in stiletto's.

First Barbizon, then Sgt. Joyner...now the phone was ringing again for me. Everyone wanted a piece of me now. I didn't know whether to feel like a escaped con or a proud citizen when "U.S. Government" showed up on the caller I.D. Of course i had to answer it with,"Whatever it is, IMRAN DID IT!" I had to get that out of the way first. But yes...on to the story. Barbizon....the modeling school of modeling schools...they work so hard to train you...to strengthen your will and sharpen your abilities, but the "plus size" must always remain on the outside. It's a thin people's world. We "fat people" simply live in it. They called and wanted to know if I was still going to Audition for MIE (Modeling In Europe) tomorrow. "Of course" I said as sweetly as possible. After all...I am thinner...maybe they'll take me. Maybe I'll go to Europe and accomplish something. Then there's Joyner...

No one ever called Jon back. Maybe he's too stupid? Lovely. I'm too fat and he's too stupid. What is the world coming to? Nevertheless, if they want me to fit into their "stick" mindset, I shall do so. After all, I am highly adaptable. I could be the Twiggy of the military. Take that, Osama! Joyner calls me at least once every two weeks. He tries to do so every week. He wants me to join, he really does. I feel so loved. He called me again today. "Just want to make sure you're still joining and just checking up on you to see how things are going." Of course. He and Sgt. Creagan...two wonderful people. Only in SC would you hear a Sgt. of the United States Army say,"I know you must think I'm drunk, but I'm really not!" Yes, Sgt. Creagan has lost her mind...but...I like it. It makes me feel less....alone. Now I know there are other people in need of padded rooms as well.

The phone rang again. I bent over with a salad on my lap and almost banged my head on the glove compartment 15 million times thanks to the messed up tires my mother has that make sounds like a space ship re-entering the atmosphere on fire. I know one day the airbag is going to explode in my face. "Hello?" "Heather...?" Why must Imran always ask if it's me? I'm the one who sounds like a bird with a collapsed nostril because of my cold. Is it really hard to figure out who it is? "yes Imran...it's me." Did I sound exasperated? Probably. Did I care? No. "Jon's here....should I put you through to him?" My mouth dropped. My mother was going to kill me. I had gone on house-cleaning strike because I was underpaid (or not paid...however you want to take it) and not fully appreciated. Imran had to be joking. There was no way Jon was sitting at my..."Wazzzapp?" ....He was. His unmistakable awful budweiser commercial impersonation rang in my ears and I was speechless. My mom continued to look at me like I'd lost my mind and asked me what was wrong. I finally managed to choke out..."Jon's at the house." She hit the steering wheel in a rage. Then she hit it again. And again. And again. The poor steering wheel....it now has craters instead of just missing paint. We turned in the driveway and I went in. The house looked like a tornado came through and a tsunami came by to finish it off. My mother was not happy. Neither was I. Jon, in his "I'm-going-to-impress-heather" state, told me that he ran all 4 miles to my house. Good going Jon. I'm impressed. Here's your biscuit. Now sit....good doggy. After what seemed an eternity, he said he was going to head back, and wanted to know if I wanted to tag along. "Sureee." After all, I have a cold, why not walk out all the available air in my lungs and maybe that will help. He continued to try and make me jealous halfway there. Then talked about his "manhood" the rest of the way there and informed me of how big it was. No Jon...I have unfortunately had the opportunity to know what the size of you "manhood" is and it's nowhere near what you describe.

He bit me. The idiot actually bit me. I couldn't believe it...but there it was. His teeth marks outlined in my skin with a nice bruised ring in the middle. Oh no. He was not getting away with it. If he was as large as he wished he was...it was nowhere near that size by the time I was done with it. I threw him to the floor, slammed my knee into it and leaned in with my full body weight. In short, I compacted the mug. Men...beware....

I woke up today and I knew good things were going to happen soon. It's about time...

It's sad when you dream about reading comments on your blog. Mine were none too appealing to read however. The reoccuring name they all seemed to call me was "faggot". I think I need a life. Actually, I know I do. But I will probably never attain such a thing because in this tiny town that goal is practically unattainable. On another note, my friend Pam...wonderful person. I just read her survey thing she sent back to me. I had no idea she thought of me the way she did. I would give her a hug if I gave hugs. See...I'm becoming a sap already.

Dogs are disgusting animals. They want you to see their prize and rejoice, no matter how wretched. I think Sonne has the ability to find the most decomposed of the dead animal collection and bring them in the house when I'm not looking. Today I was blessed with a rat and a bird. Both of which decomposed so much they looked more like giant sticks that smelled a whole lot worse.

Once you hide a secret so long....you eventually have no desire to tell it...

I guess we're all born with a limit. I was foolish enough to believe I was the exception. Call it punishment, call it fate, call it what you will, but today I reached mine. I guess that's the price I have to pay for holding everything inside. It all waits for the perfect moment then hits you all at once. Then you find yourself on the floor crying in the fetal position and wondering what you did to make God hate you so much. It's those random outbursts I guess that help me. One every year and I'm fine, although today's was a little bit more extreme. There's got to be a reason for everything. Even if I never find out what that reason is....i can always try. Just when I thought I had a straight road to travel, I come to a fork. No matter...one must continue on, for that is the price we pay to be one of the living. There's a song that applies to the way I feel that keeps going around and around...over and over...looping through my brain in a never-ending almost punishing cycle. Unfortunately, it's in Japanese...but I will post the translation. "Suteki Da Ne?". "Isn't it wonderful" indeed.

My heart swims
Toward words gathered by the wind
My voiced sprints
To a tomorrow carried by clouds

My heart trembles
In a mirror where the moon sways
My soft tears fall
Along with shooting stars

Wouldn't it be wonderful
If we could walk together hand in hand?
How I wish I could go
To your town, to your home, to your arms

Safe against your chest,
Lost in the early night,
I dream

The wind stops
And your words are a kind illusion
Clouds part
And tomorrow is a distant voice

My heart flows
In a mirror where the moon spreads
Tears I can't conceal fall
While the stars tremble

Wouldn't it be wonderful
If we could walk together hand in hand?
How I wish I could go
To your town, to your home, to your arms

Softly touching your face,
I dream a dream that will melt in the morning

I used to believe in something. A purpose...a cause...and then I realized the only purpose or cause is the simple truth that there isn't one. We wander about aimlessly hoping for something that gives us a thrill. But, in reality, there is no thrill but the search of the thrill itself. I thought about the past. Why I stopped laughing. Why everyone says I don't smile enough...even though they say that right after calling me the accursed nickname "smiley". Maybe the answer is I missed the past so much I tried to remain in it. While my mind did, the world did not. Now I face a new realization that needs a response and I still don't want to give it one. I know I'm not depressed...so that's not the issue. I'm not crazy...but sometimes I wish I was. The only true way to stay sane is to go insane. The world would do well to remember that.

I'm changing the format of my blogs to coincide with my continuing obsession of Final Fantasy X. The new format is a narration style of things. So...enjoy my random thoughts of nothingness from here on out...

In case no one has been listening and I need to say it again...I'm joining the Army. Actually I already have joined but I'm on "delayed training". Which means they're working me to death to lose 40 pounds because they're gay and listed me as 5'6" instead of 5'11" which takes my allowable weight down drastically. I tried to tell them it was obvious I wasn't that short, but nooo. No one listens to me. When I get my uniform and the drill sergeant yells at them because it's 5 inches too short, they'll listen then.
I have too much I want to do and not enough time to do it in. I wanna go to Heidelberg, sing, model, be in the Army, be in the CIA, ::coughmarrychristophcough::, go on tour with Rammstein....I wanna do everything. But with the Army, I'll be in Basic Training (or "the boot camp from hell" as I call it) for 9 weeks, and then stationed in Monterey, California for a year to learn Linguistics (mmm....beach...) and then who knows where I'll be for the next 6-7 years. They'll station me anywhere they want. That means I'll be 25-26 by the time I get out...then I'll go to Heidelberg for another 4 years so I'll be 29-30 by the time I get done with that. Then I have to join the CIA no later than my 36th birthday...so...I could sing for 6 years, but who wants to do that for that short of an amount of time? I don't know, I'll figure out a way to get it all in. I know one thing though....before I die Pam and I have to take over the world. haha.

~~~"Life is not about how many breaths you take, but how many times it takes your breath away."

I'm wearing Jon's little bracelet thing. Actually it's black and blue stretchy bands. (my favorite colors muahaha) I stole it from him, and he apparently doesn't care. See...he's coo' like that. I got 2 backrubs out of him at least. I think I'll blackmail him for a backrub more often.

I was at a restaurant tonight. The waitress hates me...but I really don't care because I hate her even moreso. I sat there for 15 minutes while she looked at me with the "I hope you die" look and continued to take the orders of other customers who came in, but neglected me. Finally, it came down to me having to leave within 3 minutes, so my Mom came in and I told her to order me something to go and then I left. She called me later telling me what happened, that the manager had fussed at her in front of the whole place, calling me a liar and everything else. Jon wouldn't let me go back there because he said he didn't want to have to go bail me out of jail, but I prevailed. I went up there and told him what I thought of him, his waitress, and his place, and then left determined to get the place shut down. You do not make me mad. That's just all there is to it.

I decided to catch up on Pam's blog and noticed she had a slogan generator. Well I put my name into the handy-dandy machine and what is the first thing that came up? "Heather really satisfies!" Why is the slogan generator all up in my personal kool-aid?! However, I must say I do agree...lol but anyway...I thought I would add in more for your viewing pleasure.....

I'm not Just the Heather, I'm a Member.

You've Always Got Time For Heather.

My Goodness, My Heather!

Washing Machines Live Longer With Heather. (Note from Editor: This one is probably true because I've never washed a pile of laundry in my entire 18 years of existence)

Heather Not Included. (Editor's Note: Exactly. My services are extra.)

3-in-1 Protection for your Heather. (Another editor's note: Maximum breakage protection)

An Army of Heather. (Yet another editor's note: Yes, with the slacking economy, the government decided to send over 59,293,238,928,281,610 flowers of Heather to oust Saddam Houssain)

Probably The Best Heather In The World. (Editor's note yet again: Dang skippy)

Things Go Better with Heather. (Another editor's note: ditto)

Splash Heather All Over. (No comment)

Your Flexible Heather.

Do The Heather. (Editor's note: LMAOOOOO)

Top Breeders Recommend Heather. (Editor's note number 29385723985732: Woof)

Taste the Heather.

Got a Heather? You're in Luck.

Exceedingly Good Heather.

There's no Wrong Way to Eat a Heather. (No comment on this one either)

The Biggest Heather Pennies Can Buy. (Editor's note: I think it just called me cheap and fat)

Heather Prevents That Sinking Feeling. (all you have to do is lighten the load from the wallet to solve the problem)

Australians Wouldn't Give A Heather For Anything Else. (Editor's note again: I just had to include this one...because.......australians.....mmmmmmm)

Ho Ho Ho, Green Heather. (WHO'S IT CALLIN' A HO?!)

(Editor's note: More will come later)

Ah....my not so triumphant return to the blog world. What is there to say? Well....first of all.....let me start up controversy by saying why I think we should go to war....
Questionnaire's are designed to confuse. To portray things....sometimes as a reality, sometimes as factoids based upon popular opinion or news clippings taped to the bathroom wall and pooled over for amusement. My friend Pam recently sent me one of these things. It, of course, was designed to make you scream,"PEACE! BE STILL!" rendering our wonderful President helpless to deny us the right of peace. Don't get me wrong....peace is great. I'm not dissing it. But let us dwell on these factoids...1. We do not know everything the President knows. They hide it from us purposely. They have stopped over 100 terror attacks since September 11th and did the American public know about them? No, I don't think so. But of course Bush only gets the goring and not the glory. If Bush says,"We need to go to war." Then more than likely he has a valid reason for stating that and we would be so scared of his reason we would wet ourselves. And don't give me any of that "He just wants the oil" crap. If we want oil, we'll drill Alaska or we'll get it from somewhere else. Bush has a reason for doing what he does and who cares what France thinks about it? If we don't stop him, it will be like Hitler in WWII. He will dominate one country, then start extending his borders and you know what the rest of the world will say about it? "Why didn't America do something?" And you know why they'll say that? Because they always do. We go in and settle a problem and the world says,"Why does America meddle in affairs that are not their own?" We don't go in and settle a problem and the world says,"Why didn't America do something?" So either way we are going to be the bull's eye of the world. Who cares? I don't.
Now that I've said that...let us move on. I do apologize for not blessing you with my random blogging, but I've been detained with my best friend Jon. Being that I do have a lovely fetish for Germans, it's only fitting that I hang out with him......a lot......:) We're going next weekend to get a tattoo. Just so you know. It's freezing outside with snow and ice on the ground so my thoughts are not connecting. Therefore this random blog is done. Goodnight.

Most of everything that's happened I have unfortunately forgotten to bless you with knowing about it. I do remember one thing though. My Dad almost shot a burglar. It was quite amusing and I thoroughly enjoyed it. As far as tonight goes, I got a new dress for my modeling graduation. It's two-color red and black. muahahaha. I walked around for hours in 3 inch high heels. Finally I hurt so bad that while we were walking in the parking lot (need I also add it was 17 degrees outside and snow is still blessing us with its presence), I finally just took my shoes off and ran barefoot through the snow covered parking lot singing,"BOOOOOOOORNNNNN FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!! FREEEEEEEE AS THE WIIIIIIIIIIND BLOWS!!!" I amused myself....but it doesn't take much to do that....

Why have I never noticed the beauty of winter? As I stood outside looking out over the pond and viewing the sunset with Christoph's song for me blaring into my ears, I wondered why I have never noticed the beauty of winter before. Maybe it was the hauntingly gorgeousness of his voice...or the song itself. Maybe it was the sunset that could have never been painted. No picture would have done it justice. Who knows....for whatever reason, be it unknown, I now have a new appreciation for Winter. On an unrelated note: I wish I lived in The Lord of the Rings. I would take Legolas downnnnnnnn rarrrrr. And on another unrelated note: My dog's butt looks like a bull's-eye.

Most interesting thing that happened today: (and the only thing that happened today) My dog caught my underwear on fire. Unfortunately not the pair still residing beside the steps. But it's okay now because he's peed at the bottom of the steps so many times no one will approach them. Problem solved. Why quit being lazy when you can just have your dog pee in front of it so no one will notice? He also peed on my computer wires today...badddddddd dog. Or as I call him when he destroys everything...Bad Hitler, bad! Moving on...

My aunt is so bad now she really doesn't know what she's saying. My mom and I asked her if she wanted to be moved back against the pillow and we thought she said,"No" but mom asked her again to make sure and she responded with,"yes, come on, we're women we can do it." So we pulled her back and then she started looking around and said,"....where are my dang tissues?'' and just then her husband came in and made some long speech about how he was taking care of her and blah blah blah and she said,"......well you're not doing a very good job...." Now, granted, all this would have probably been much funnier if you could have heard her say it.

We didn't have a New Year's or a Christmas. How lovely. I hold out so much hope for 2003. NOT.


~~~~"You are the ringbearer. To have the ring is to be alone."