Take it from me...never eat before you go to sleep. If you do...you will have dreams such as the ones I'm about to inform you of. Enjoy...

---I was the Terminator. All male...Arnold Schwarzenegger. My ears had been pulled off as well as my nose and all that was left was the terminator skull in those areas. I was trying to figure out why I couldn't get my eye scanned so I went to this machine and started typing things into it. I kept telling myself I had to remember what came next because this was an old Terminator movie from 1984. I dunno why...don't ask. Anyway...this long metal rod came out and for identity verification I had to shove it up my nasal cavity and press some trigger thing that released air into my "nose". It really looked like I was snorting cocaine. The wall came open and it gave me what looked like a camera lens. I held it up to my eye and kept looking at it and I could see in the reflection of the lens that my eyes were yellow. I was studying myself like I was some foreign specimen and all of a sudden Lori and Pam came running in and Lori was screaming,"HEATHER! IT'S JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIE! GODZILLA'S HERE!!!! YOU HAVE TO DESTROY HIM!" so in all my muscular man-ness I ran outside and flexed a couple times like I was some chip-n-dale. Pam smacked me in the back of the head, stuck her finger in my metal ear hole and pulled my head up to look at the sky. "Godzilla" was a gigantic purple balloon dragon. Breathing fire that had obviously been added for special effects. I looked at it in disbelief and said,"boy...talk about CHEAP GRAPHICS...'' then...the end.

---I don't think I was a prostitute...but...I could have been. I went to go buy a ticket for the train in NYC and the only clothes I was wearing were a pair of daisy dukes (cut even shorter for added effect) and something on my sides below my arms. Nothing covering necessary places. My hair was bleached blonde and curled like in the 50's and I was wearing bright red lipstick. The guy at the ticket counter was of course staring at me dumbfounded, but I just took my ticket and went on my merry way. When I got to my hotel room, I studied myself in the reflection of the mirror and tried to think of ways to make myself look as slutty as possible without getting arrested.

---Our entire living room was made out of plastic cups. and our backyard was a junk yard. But there was an evil junkyard man we had to escape from. So I would jump in old cars that shouldn't have been able to run and had to use my feet to drive away like I was Fred Flintstone.

---I was at a restaurant that had seats like a school bus. The dixie Chicks were lounging around and I went up to them and exclaimed,"HEY! Do you know Rammstein?!" and Natalie said,"Of course. But they always want us to eat that nasty German food whenever we're around them so we don't see them that much." So we sat down and all of a sudden I was in my mom's car and Jimmy Fallon was in the back seat. I had a baby and it was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. I kept telling everyone it was mine and Buck's baby. (Buck being one of the characters in the Left Behind series. If you ever watched the movie, he was played by Kirk Cameron.) The baby had obviously messed his diaper more than once and I was running around the house trying to find diapers but couldn't find any. I asked my mom where they were and she told me to look in the hall closet. Jimmy said,"Oh he's so cute! (..gag me...) Can I hold him?" So I gratefully gave him to Jimmy thinking maybe he would change him instead of me having to because frankly i don't wanna see his...um....anyway....all of a sudden we were sitting in a run down restaurant and the waiter, who must've weighed 700 lbs, handed me a sheet and asked me to put a check beside the snickers bar. When I asked him why, he screamed,"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I HAVE TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY!!!!!!!" So I checked it for him and got up and went over to Lori and then looked back at Jimmy and started screaming,"LORI WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, JIMMY'S A SECRET AGENT!" and Jimmy got up, looking very evil I must say...and we ran out the door and there ended that dream.


Well, I hope you have enjoyed.

I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. So much anger....so much determination. Where did I get that from? Who knows. All I know is the past was the past and I enjoyed it while I had it, but I don't have it anymore. It's time to move on. If I get it back, great. If I don't....I didn't get it for a reason then. I will dwell on it no more..

"You never truly know someone until you fight them."

"Wait a minute! You....you go to my church!!" Her eyes were wide. She was scared...and I knew it. Jon had told me about her and she was aware of it. He had told me too much. I smiled a smile that let her know I would be in control from here on out and try to relieve her of her fears. So she wouldn't think that I was like "them". That pristine innocence that annoyed the rest of the world did not envelop me. So this was Miranda. The "skater chick" who "drinks too much" was the girl who went to my church. Interesting. This was Jon's new interest. Well...for the moment. I saw the look in his eyes and returned his gaze. As if assuring him he would find no other woman like me, but encouraged....almost dared him to try. Go on Jon...run to her. It won't be long before you realize no one can replace me...too bad I won't be there waiting.

Tee hee

In the evening sky there was peach. There was blue. There was purple. There was red. There was pink. There was life. And most of all...there was hope.

"Why was I here?" I wondered as I stared at myself in the mirror and noticed for the first time that black pantyhose make my calves look rediculously huge. "Why would they put gigantic glass mirrors that blow every part of your body way out of proportion?" I also wondered. Then I noticed the calves of the barbie beside me. Her whole entire body was the size of one of my calves. I sighed. Then again hoping someone would save me from this insane world. Alas. I am still here. We watched a video of some of the things they do at MIE and it left me with a very uneasy feeling. Seeing girls so tiny a light breeze would blow them high enough into the air Mary Poppins herself would have been proud (and they don't even need an umbrella) in bathing suits left me with an uneasy feeling. There's no way they would put someone who didn't have the perfect body in a bikini like that and march them down the runway. Finally, after sitting in that freaking chair for 2 hours it was my turn. I walked in and she wanted me to do the runway. She looked at me one time, smiled, and then looked down. She never returned my gaze as I tried to read her. Why wouldn't she look at me? I already knew. "MIE only takes girls that have a waist size of no more than 36." Thanks for telling me that at the beginning.....wench. She tried to make up for it by talking about how beautiful I was and that I had such a "pretty face" I wanted to punch her in hers. That's what they tell fat people and I am by no means fat. "Oh you have such a pretty face." Whatever. Why don't you just kiss my fluffy butt. I saw some of the girls they took. They must have been desperate. They clomped down the runway, fell over, slouched, did everything wrong and still got in. I was perfect and couldn't go because I didn't fit the requirements. Apparently there are no I.Q. requirements. Otherwise no one would be going. I feel sorry for the girls who didn't get in. They were crying, rejected once again and they were trying so hard. They were promised a job...they were told women their size were in demand. But they...like me...were being rejected. I don't have a category. I am neither fat nor tiny. I'm square in the middle. I'm the thinnest "plus-size" person. My hips will never be a 36. God built me wide. So they can deal with it. They only offer false hope. I need it not. I would much rather tote a machine gun and blast out my frustration on cardboard cutouts than clomp down a runway in stiletto's.

First Barbizon, then Sgt. Joyner...now the phone was ringing again for me. Everyone wanted a piece of me now. I didn't know whether to feel like a escaped con or a proud citizen when "U.S. Government" showed up on the caller I.D. Of course i had to answer it with,"Whatever it is, IMRAN DID IT!" I had to get that out of the way first. But yes...on to the story. Barbizon....the modeling school of modeling schools...they work so hard to train you...to strengthen your will and sharpen your abilities, but the "plus size" must always remain on the outside. It's a thin people's world. We "fat people" simply live in it. They called and wanted to know if I was still going to Audition for MIE (Modeling In Europe) tomorrow. "Of course" I said as sweetly as possible. After all...I am thinner...maybe they'll take me. Maybe I'll go to Europe and accomplish something. Then there's Joyner...

No one ever called Jon back. Maybe he's too stupid? Lovely. I'm too fat and he's too stupid. What is the world coming to? Nevertheless, if they want me to fit into their "stick" mindset, I shall do so. After all, I am highly adaptable. I could be the Twiggy of the military. Take that, Osama! Joyner calls me at least once every two weeks. He tries to do so every week. He wants me to join, he really does. I feel so loved. He called me again today. "Just want to make sure you're still joining and just checking up on you to see how things are going." Of course. He and Sgt. Creagan...two wonderful people. Only in SC would you hear a Sgt. of the United States Army say,"I know you must think I'm drunk, but I'm really not!" Yes, Sgt. Creagan has lost her mind...but...I like it. It makes me feel less....alone. Now I know there are other people in need of padded rooms as well.

The phone rang again. I bent over with a salad on my lap and almost banged my head on the glove compartment 15 million times thanks to the messed up tires my mother has that make sounds like a space ship re-entering the atmosphere on fire. I know one day the airbag is going to explode in my face. "Hello?" "Heather...?" Why must Imran always ask if it's me? I'm the one who sounds like a bird with a collapsed nostril because of my cold. Is it really hard to figure out who it is? "yes Imran...it's me." Did I sound exasperated? Probably. Did I care? No. "Jon's here....should I put you through to him?" My mouth dropped. My mother was going to kill me. I had gone on house-cleaning strike because I was underpaid (or not paid...however you want to take it) and not fully appreciated. Imran had to be joking. There was no way Jon was sitting at my..."Wazzzapp?" ....He was. His unmistakable awful budweiser commercial impersonation rang in my ears and I was speechless. My mom continued to look at me like I'd lost my mind and asked me what was wrong. I finally managed to choke out..."Jon's at the house." She hit the steering wheel in a rage. Then she hit it again. And again. And again. The poor steering wheel....it now has craters instead of just missing paint. We turned in the driveway and I went in. The house looked like a tornado came through and a tsunami came by to finish it off. My mother was not happy. Neither was I. Jon, in his "I'm-going-to-impress-heather" state, told me that he ran all 4 miles to my house. Good going Jon. I'm impressed. Here's your biscuit. Now sit....good doggy. After what seemed an eternity, he said he was going to head back, and wanted to know if I wanted to tag along. "Sureee." After all, I have a cold, why not walk out all the available air in my lungs and maybe that will help. He continued to try and make me jealous halfway there. Then talked about his "manhood" the rest of the way there and informed me of how big it was. No Jon...I have unfortunately had the opportunity to know what the size of you "manhood" is and it's nowhere near what you describe.

He bit me. The idiot actually bit me. I couldn't believe it...but there it was. His teeth marks outlined in my skin with a nice bruised ring in the middle. Oh no. He was not getting away with it. If he was as large as he wished he was...it was nowhere near that size by the time I was done with it. I threw him to the floor, slammed my knee into it and leaned in with my full body weight. In short, I compacted the mug. Men...beware....

I woke up today and I knew good things were going to happen soon. It's about time...

It's sad when you dream about reading comments on your blog. Mine were none too appealing to read however. The reoccuring name they all seemed to call me was "faggot". I think I need a life. Actually, I know I do. But I will probably never attain such a thing because in this tiny town that goal is practically unattainable. On another note, my friend Pam...wonderful person. I just read her survey thing she sent back to me. I had no idea she thought of me the way she did. I would give her a hug if I gave hugs. See...I'm becoming a sap already.

Dogs are disgusting animals. They want you to see their prize and rejoice, no matter how wretched. I think Sonne has the ability to find the most decomposed of the dead animal collection and bring them in the house when I'm not looking. Today I was blessed with a rat and a bird. Both of which decomposed so much they looked more like giant sticks that smelled a whole lot worse.