It took 2 years, but it was well worth the wait . . . 

I've had a very long time to be paranoid, worried, sick, and just about everything else under the sun. Virtually ever since I arrived in Germany, my status here has been under severe questioning. I've almost been kicked out, been put under intense scrutiny, and had a 5 month waiting period on a permit that should have only taken two weeks. The thing that plagued me most during these two years has been, you guessed it, worry. Of course, it changes nothing, but that doesn't stop one from doing it. I knew God was going to take care of it, as he had miraculously done countless times. I virtually had nothing of worth to offer the government, and they were under no requirements to allow me to stay there, much less give me the work rights I so desperately desired. But the longer time went on, the more worried I got. What was taking them so long and what were they doing? I began to imagine them contacting the CIA about me and other various things. They wouldn't find anything because there's nothing there to find, but I thought maybe the CIA would answer with, "Well, her credit in the States is a little less than average," and that would be all the worker would need to hear before slamming a giant stamp down on my paper with a foreboding thud as it read "DENIED". Yes, of course that sounds stupid, but you try waiting two years for work rights and see what thoughts start swimming around in your head. 

I went to the government yesterday and waited in line for two hours. The line wasn't that long, but things seemed to be moving slower than normal. The last time I had been there was a month ago where a case worker had angrily assured me, "I'm going to deal with this myself! You've been waiting so long, and it's ridiculous to make someone wait like this; it's unacceptable!" I readily agreed, and he assured me that I would have my answer back in two weeks. I waited two weeks without a word and then began calling their offices (as I didn't want to go wait in line for 2 -3, though sometimes as long as 5, hours.) but no one picked up. For two weeks. And I assure you, I called quite often. So, yesterday, I decided I would go down there before my job interview at a cafe near a friend's house. The woman told me my files weren't back yet and told me to, you guessed it, wait. I waited some more while they tried to figure out just what was taking so long. Well, apparently, my files got lost in transition somehow and no one could find them, at which point the woman took down my e-mail address and said she would e-mail me tomorrow morning after trying to locate them. Apparently, she must have been successful because they were transferred to another Berlin office to undergo a final examination. Most people wouldn't be worried by this, but I began to be afraid that they would scrutinize everything and find things that weren't there . . . I just knew I was going to get some e-mail that began with "Leider . . ." (which means "unfortunately" for those of you readers who are non-German speakers. It's usually the first word in a typical German rejection letter.) 

I rarely try to use the phrase "it was like I heard this voice in my head saying . . . " because that makes me sound, well, crazy. So let me try to rephrase . . . I got a feeling in my heart that God was saying, "Don't worry about it. Just sit back and watch this . . . you've been waiting for two years, and it's time for me to do my thing." I went to my phone and checked to see if I had any messages, and there was one from the Senatsverwaltung, the people who now had my life in their hands, so to speak. They said they wanted to talk to me and ask me a couple of questions, and fear gripped me all over again. "They're going to arrest me and beat me for something!" my mind screamed, but still, I called them back.

"I just wanted to know if the people who were interested in you when you sent this to us still want to work with you?" The lady asked me into the phone.

"Yes," I timidly responded. "Most of them. Some of them said they couldn't wait any longer." 

"Okay, well, I have about 400 different jobs here that you're apparently qualified to do, so . . . "

"Yes, I just wanted to show that people were interested in me because I really, REALLY want you to say yes because I love Berlin, and I want to live here until I die," I sniffed, as if it would really make a difference one way or the other.

"That's very sweet, and you don't have to worry about it. Can you tell me what all you'll be doing so I can write it down in the allowance?" 

So I told her, and she responded, "Great. Well, we're going to approve this and send it back to the Foreign Office. You should have it by Monday, okay?"

It took a few minutes for it to actually register what she had said. It was approved. As in, the opposite of denied. The biggest feeling of relief rushed over me, and I very nearly cried from sheer joy. For two long years I have fought with everything I had in me and was so utterly broken it was pitiful. I had people all over the world praying, begging for this. The world said it was impossible, that I had nothing to offer. God said those were the conditions He works best in. So here I am with nothing to offer, yet approved nonetheless.

There were other things I wanted to say in this blog, various rants about other things, but right now I think it's best to let it be, to enjoy the fruits of the labor, and to be still. 

"Surely there is a future and your hope will not be cut off." - Proverbs 23:18

How to Tell if You're Completely Paranoid: 

If you visit the above link, yahoo.com will inform you how to tell if your guy is cheating. Now, I'm sure this is true for a few guys out there, but I think this will ultimately end up causing more trouble than good. Just from reading number one, I knew it was going to be a bumpy ride. And, of course, it appears to be written by a woman with a "we must share everything or you are a bad man" attitude. Let me tell you all the ways this is full of crap:

1. He's superprotective of his gadgets. "The main way that trysts are found out is through the discovery of incriminating e-mails, IM chats, cell phone texts or bills," says Belisa Vranich, PsyD, a clinical psychologist in New York City. So if he's being unfaithful, he may guard his gadgets or act really defensive when you innocently touch his phone or computer. It should be a giant red flag if he readily gave you passwords in the past, and now he's more evasive.

When I read this, my first thought was, "If someone touches my computer or phone, they're gonna die." and it's true. I'm not cheating on anyone; it's just, to me, a sign of mistrust and utter annoyance if I catch you blatantly looking through my phone or computer (which has happened before). There won't be anything there because if I was cheating, I would be smart enough to erase everything right afterwards. Shouldn't there be a curtain of privacy somewhere? I mean, I love my significant other to death and would never hide anything from him, but my phone is off limits. There is absolutely no reason for you to pick up my phone and go through it because it just signifies that you don't trust me . . . which is utterly annoying and will probably lead to you getting the phone thrown at your head. Or maybe I'm just abnormal? 

2. He steps up the grooming. This is so obvious, but it's a sign many women miss: "If your man starts grooming more without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he's getting intimate with someone else," says Vranich. You can actually thank modern mass media for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his appearance, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He's spending more time at the gym.

So, let me get this straight: A man can't decide that he wants to better himself without you nagging at him without cheating? He can't go to the gym to get in shape without cheating? He can't decide he's a pathetic slob and decide to change without cheating? Are you seriously kidding me?

3. He smells different. "When he comes home, if he doesn't smell the same as he did in the morning, and it isn't the scent of soap in the gym or at your home, it may be because he's showered at her place," offers Vranich. So pay attention, because in this case, that old saying "the nose knows" might very well be true.

This is one of the rare ones that's true . . . and it's so obvious I'm filing it under D for DUH.

4. Nothing fazes him anymore. "If he was short-tempered before, a combination of added intimacy and attention could be making him way more relaxed, even downright giddy," Vranich says. Adds Mira Kirshenbaum, author of "When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts and Minds of People in Two Relationships": "If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why."

Or maybe he was just having problems at work that have now been taken care of. Maybe he just got a promotion, finished a big project, got a new car . . . or . . . or . . . maybe YOU decided to stop being a fat slob and go to the gym and he's happy over your new found hygiene improvement. Maybe that means you're cheating on each other . . . 

5. He becomes suspicious of you. "If he's normally a mellow type, all of a sudden he may want to know where you are all the time and with whom," says Vranich. "It's the result of him realizing that if he's cheating and it's not that hard, you might also be getting away with it." Also, beware of extremely detailed responses to even your most innocent "How was work today?" queries. He may be preparing epic answers because he's terrified of getting caught.

Either that or he is just a detailed person. Or maybe he suspects you of cheating on him and that's why he's so suspicious of you. Is that not possible? 

Now before a thousand feminists jump down my throat and I have to fend for my life, I will say that some of these signs can mean this . . . but these are also signs of obvious behaviour that can change for completely normal reasons. Articles like this serve to make people more paranoid, and I say this that some people, like me, would click on the article out of boredom, but most others will click on it either because they already suspect someone of cheating or because they want to know how to spot it if it happens. You're going to start picking up on things that were probably already there and not realise it. For instance, let's say your significant other pays a large amount of attention to detail, but you don't give it a second thought. You read this, ask how their day was, and they tell you in large detail. "YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR?!?!" your mind starts to scream when, in fact, you just didn't notice that they were already like that. I've seen things like this destroy relationships, and the person's reason for cutting off the relationship was, "I read this thing online that says you're cheating if you do this, so you must be!" 

Unfortunately not. I'll tell you how it really works; if you really suspect someone of cheating, ask them. If they say no and you have reason to believe otherwise, well, don't snoop around in front of their face! That has to be the most asinine thing you can do; it just serves as a warning to them that you're checking up on them. Idiot. 

And a lot of things vary from person to person. I'm no relationship expert, but I know body language. But some people are wired differently, and you know what, the best thing to do is just trust that it's not true until you know otherwise. And if it is true, react accordingly. You will never find a set "cheaters rule book" that applies to everyone. Even in the case of coming home smelling like perfume/cologne. Yeah, sure, 90% of the time this means that someone is cheating. But I really don't enjoy fighting for my life with someone and the close contact makes me smell like them, only to have my significant other accuse me of cheating. It's annoying. Please, people. If you can't trust them, don't date them. End of story. 

That is all . . .

There's a song back in the day with lyrics such as "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen." And while millions of people all over the world think this truly applies to them, I realise that there are plenty of people who have it much, much worse than me, but we all have a day where we just want to complain. For me, that day is today. 

If you've been reading my other blogs, and somehow I doubt you have, you'll know that I've been having a somewhat severe problem with my toilet. Every weekend (and the occasional Wednesday) the toilet gets some sort of severe hangover or becomes demon possessed or what have you and will vomit soap bubbles violently out of the bowl. These aren't squeaky clean soap bubbles as you might imagine, they're dirty, filled with crap (literally), and smells like the worst stench of sewage you can possibly imagine. After it doing that approximately 9 - 10 times, the people that own the apartment complex have finally sprung to have the whole toilet refitted, the drain re-routed, and what have you to alleviate my problems. They had left a message on my voicemail telling me they had an appointment open on the 3rd of September but didn't leave the time. I called them back and it just went to voicemail, so I told them that the 3rd would be fine and to call me back with the time. They never did, but I was expecting them as early as 9 AM, since that's generally when most businesses open. Wrong. At 7:30 AM, I was rudely awakened by the buzzing of the door and phone calls that simply would not stop. True to form (and some of you that have awakened me will attest to this), I was VERY cranky and asked them just what they thought they were doing at my house at such an ungodly hour. Being typical Germans (which is one of the things I love about them), they replied they were here to fix my toilet and pushed past me. 

Now, as I'm sure 99.9% of the population has to do, when I woke up, I generally had to go to the bathroom. But now there were Germans digging up my toilet and pipes, so that idea was out. I was deathly tired after working 'til 4 AM and then not managing to get to sleep until 5. All I wanted to do (besides go to the bathroom, but that was out), was go to sleep. I shut my eyes and tried to sink back into a deep sleep, but soon the loud noise of some machine boring out my floor brought me back to the present. 

I had nothing else to do, so I started working on my book. I got quite a bit done; however, there's only so much you can write when you're exhausted. About 12:30, the people who owe me over 800 euros called and said they can't pay the bill until I give them a tax number, which the government hasn't given me. I don't really know what to say to that, except that really, really annoys me. I tried to call the government right after that for the next 3 hours because I need to know exactly what is up with my work permit and when I can get a tax number. Of course, no one will answer the phone who knows about my case; those whom I could get to answer, knew nothing about it and couldn't tell me anything else. Now I sit here wondering what next: the same seems to never change. Where is my work permit and where is my money . . . the same two things play over and over again in my head like a sick joke. 

The clock on the wall that was very difficult to get there was ripped out by the lovely toilet fixers for no apparent reason. I imagine it was slightly in their way, but you would think they would at least have asked me before putting two giant holes in my wall that will probably prevent me from successfully getting the clock back into it. 

So, to make a long story short, towday has been quite annoying. I couldn't get to the bank to get my money back from other people who owe me money due to having to wait on those people to get out of my house. At least I finally got to use the bathroom AFTER 9 HOURS. Now, let's hope the toilet has sworn off the alcohol and demon possession. It would have also been nice if they would have put everything back like they found it. A giant (not to mention heavy) cabinet is not easily moved back by one person. 

*sigh* Such is life.