Once you hide a secret so long....you eventually have no desire to tell it...

I guess we're all born with a limit. I was foolish enough to believe I was the exception. Call it punishment, call it fate, call it what you will, but today I reached mine. I guess that's the price I have to pay for holding everything inside. It all waits for the perfect moment then hits you all at once. Then you find yourself on the floor crying in the fetal position and wondering what you did to make God hate you so much. It's those random outbursts I guess that help me. One every year and I'm fine, although today's was a little bit more extreme. There's got to be a reason for everything. Even if I never find out what that reason is....i can always try. Just when I thought I had a straight road to travel, I come to a fork. No matter...one must continue on, for that is the price we pay to be one of the living. There's a song that applies to the way I feel that keeps going around and around...over and over...looping through my brain in a never-ending almost punishing cycle. Unfortunately, it's in Japanese...but I will post the translation. "Suteki Da Ne?". "Isn't it wonderful" indeed.

My heart swims
Toward words gathered by the wind
My voiced sprints
To a tomorrow carried by clouds

My heart trembles
In a mirror where the moon sways
My soft tears fall
Along with shooting stars

Wouldn't it be wonderful
If we could walk together hand in hand?
How I wish I could go
To your town, to your home, to your arms

Safe against your chest,
Lost in the early night,
I dream

The wind stops
And your words are a kind illusion
Clouds part
And tomorrow is a distant voice

My heart flows
In a mirror where the moon spreads
Tears I can't conceal fall
While the stars tremble

Wouldn't it be wonderful
If we could walk together hand in hand?
How I wish I could go
To your town, to your home, to your arms

Softly touching your face,
I dream a dream that will melt in the morning

I used to believe in something. A purpose...a cause...and then I realized the only purpose or cause is the simple truth that there isn't one. We wander about aimlessly hoping for something that gives us a thrill. But, in reality, there is no thrill but the search of the thrill itself. I thought about the past. Why I stopped laughing. Why everyone says I don't smile enough...even though they say that right after calling me the accursed nickname "smiley". Maybe the answer is I missed the past so much I tried to remain in it. While my mind did, the world did not. Now I face a new realization that needs a response and I still don't want to give it one. I know I'm not depressed...so that's not the issue. I'm not crazy...but sometimes I wish I was. The only true way to stay sane is to go insane. The world would do well to remember that.

I'm changing the format of my blogs to coincide with my continuing obsession of Final Fantasy X. The new format is a narration style of things. So...enjoy my random thoughts of nothingness from here on out...

In case no one has been listening and I need to say it again...I'm joining the Army. Actually I already have joined but I'm on "delayed training". Which means they're working me to death to lose 40 pounds because they're gay and listed me as 5'6" instead of 5'11" which takes my allowable weight down drastically. I tried to tell them it was obvious I wasn't that short, but nooo. No one listens to me. When I get my uniform and the drill sergeant yells at them because it's 5 inches too short, they'll listen then.
I have too much I want to do and not enough time to do it in. I wanna go to Heidelberg, sing, model, be in the Army, be in the CIA, ::coughmarrychristophcough::, go on tour with Rammstein....I wanna do everything. But with the Army, I'll be in Basic Training (or "the boot camp from hell" as I call it) for 9 weeks, and then stationed in Monterey, California for a year to learn Linguistics (mmm....beach...) and then who knows where I'll be for the next 6-7 years. They'll station me anywhere they want. That means I'll be 25-26 by the time I get out...then I'll go to Heidelberg for another 4 years so I'll be 29-30 by the time I get done with that. Then I have to join the CIA no later than my 36th birthday...so...I could sing for 6 years, but who wants to do that for that short of an amount of time? I don't know, I'll figure out a way to get it all in. I know one thing though....before I die Pam and I have to take over the world. haha.

~~~"Life is not about how many breaths you take, but how many times it takes your breath away."