Well I believe it's time to add some funny quotes in here.....enjoy....and congratulate me on my return to the blogger....


"Hey Heather, what's an easier way to say Electronic Video Systems Manager?"
"...video dude..."--Lance and me

"I need a job man. I'm a loser. Even the birds got jobs. They clean the crap outta the road. *sticks head out window* HEY BIRDS!!! ARE YOU GUYS HIRING?!!!!"--Bianca at 6:30 A.M. running on 27 hours no sleep.

"I think she should "accidentally" fall off a cliff"--Me

"I had all these funny quotes I was going to add, but I forgot them all."
"That happens to me a lot....and I get mad."--Sergio and me

"I likes me shirt"--Ryan

"Quit!"
"Quit what?"
"Hmm....I forgot.....carry on then."--Josh and me

"What happened to your flip flops!?!"
"Hub was makin' fun of me"
"So you wore those shiny things and tried to pass them off as shoes?"
"hahahaha yeah.......wait........what?"--Josh B. and me

"I got the kind with wings (maxi pads) so they don't fly away."--Bianca

"heatherej!!!"
"Hey! Are you drunk?"
"ewjfoaweij nowea. Guess whatet!"
"What?"
"I wenteg skewiing!"
"Really? Where?"
"Downs tehw stairsss!! It was aewetsomeet. You sfehwould comej negxt tiemw. Thiset stupeied keytboard wtoent tyepw right."--Jay and me

"Heather......*gets down on one knee* Will you marry me? *holds up cheap $1.00 fake flowers*"--Bianca

"For my first assignment they sent me to videotape the tornado!"
"Why didn't you do us all a favor and capture the center of it too."
"Because I di--.....HEY! That was an insult!" --Josh

"I want something from dairy queen."
"Me too, why don't you go get it?"
"Why don't you go with me?"
"Ok."
"Good, then you can get gas for me."
".....YOU SET ME UP!!"
"HAHAHA you thought you would get out of it!!"--Mom and me

"Rockin' like Dockin......with stockin's...."
".....real clever Tim...." --Tim


"These are the confessions of a dangerous mind"
"What?"
"Huh?"
"Who confessed what?"
"Eh?"
"What was dangerous?"
"Who confessed what dangerously?"
"No.....what? I'm confused"
"I'm confused too."
"You started it!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Did what?"
"I forgot"--Debi and me

"If Heather was a teacher she would fix those kids."
"That's because she would shoot them all."
"You say that like it's a BAD thing"--Mom and Linda



More to follow as I think of them..

There's a blog "Blogger" has noticed recently called "Palm Addict" and I keep reading it as "Pam Addict" and I keep thinking,"I have to tell Pam someone out there is obsessed with her!". That was my random bit of info for the evening. Oh wait, I have one more. There was a girl at the video store who asked me if you spelled "taken" with an "i". I wanted to go,"YOU are the reason I dye my hair!" But at least she knows how to twirl her hair and chew gum at the same time.

It never fails. Just when I think plans are off for good, they come back on. Wade told me tonight that filming is back on track and will begin in May. Finally I can get out of this hell hole and start life like I wanted to.

Oh, and by the way Ashely...you messed with the wrong person on the wrong day. I know you're probably sitting there trying to get your brain to figure out so many words at once and after it's taken you 2 hours to read this you're going to say,"I'm not scared." Well you don't have to be....yet.

I never thought I would see this. I know the Power Rangers have been on ever since I was in 5th grade....can't remember if they were on longer than that, but...'tever. Anyway...so the guy that was the green ranger...then the white ranger...then the gold ranger....then...who knows. He kept leaving and then coming back as something different. Anyway...mom was watching tv this morning and she told me to come in there because he was on tv. I go in there, and he's a TEACHER now! And he has a receding hairline!!! Last time I saw him he was a high school kid with a ponytail. Now he's a teacher with a receding hairline! I feel so old. He doesn't look as good now either. Such a shame.

Yesterday I thought,"I wanna talk to Gail. I'm gonna call her." So I called her prepared to talk to the answering machine like all the other 239857239857 times I've called. She picked up and I talked to her for a while and told her that I still haven't talked to Addison since July. and she said,"Well guess who just pulled up. Addison! We'll nip this in the bud right now!" So she went outside and handed the phone to him and he seemed excited to talk to me. I asked him how he was doing and he said,"Good now that I'm talking to you." heh. We talked for a while about old memories and new ones and such. So everything seems to be ok between us, which makes me really happy.

One of mom's students died the other day. She was only 7 and she had a brain tumor. It's very sad when someone so young doesn't even get the chance to really live.

~Liebe ist nur ein Traume und nicht mehr.

Why is it that i'm almost 20 years old, on the verge of fame, and stuck doing a kiddie talent show to help out my mother? :: sigh:: Such is life, I suppose.

I came to the realization last night about something I've been wanting for a very long time. That realization is this: I may never have it. But I was not made for that. At least not yet. I was made to sing. And that is what I'm going to do until the other situation presents itself to me. Godspeed.

As of yesterday, I am now offically a "recording artist". A record producer last night confirmed his desire to work with me. Beware world. I begin the recording process as soon as possible....and let me assure you. I will not rest until I am number 1. For those of my friends I haven't told yet...I'm telling you now. I told you I would get here. And here I stand. :D

There is trouble in my mind
There is dark
There is dark and there is light
Lay your hands over my eyes
As I look deep
Through valleys deep and wide
Across the borderline
For the empire in my mind

You are the reason I don't sleep
You are the light
That's breaking through the leaves
And you know how hard I try
To believe
I have something good inside
All the barricades I climb
For the empire in my mind

I have known love somewhere in time
I've been lifted up
I've looked honor in the eyes
I have no reason I have no rhyme
I cannot deny
There's a darkness that's inside
I am guilty by design
And now I realize
That temptations made me blind
To the empire in my mind

There is no order
And there is chaos
And there is crime
There is no one home tonight
in the empire of my mind

There is no distance that I don't see
I do have a world
No limit to my reach
I wish I would
I wish I might
To see a line tonight
Separating wrong from right
As I am only born to try
And maybe that's the reason why
I'm afraid someday I 'll find
There is no empire in my mind


~~it was then, and only then, that she began to cry.

Valentine's Day=Crap. However, I like the presents I get from my parents. Thank you Valentine's Day. I finally got what I've been wanting/needing for a while now.

After 4 hours, I finally figured out another part of my keyboard. My blood pressure medication is probably going to cost as much as that keyboard if I have to spend so much more time on it again. Hey, Korg, how about making a USER FRIENDLY KEYBOARD next time? Eh? Eh?

SCREW YOU BLOGGER FOR MAKING MY WORDS COME UP FUNNY!!!....now that I have that out of the way....

I hate Valentine's Day for 2 main reasons. If you are alone, you are reminded of the fact while everyone else plays kissy-face with their significant other. And, if you have someone, you have to get them something. I think everyone knows by now that I am terrified of getting presents. Yes...that IS what I said...don't re-read that, I'll re-type it so your brain doesn't fry....I AM TERRIFIED OF GETTING PRESENTS.

It's amazing how some people doubt me...even though they should learn by now. When I say I'm going to win...I win. So I would just like to take this moment and say to Miranda: ahem...:: clears throat momentarily:: I WON. But I would like to thank you for losing...otherwise I couldn't have won. Feel free to try again any time. To everyone else who probably has no idea what I'm babbling about, Jon is officially back in my life. As we all knew he would be. :: raises fist in triumph::

"Hey baby, wanna join me in my coffin?"-Me

Final Fantasy X...the greatest game ever. Final Fantasy X-2.....sucks. Danke Gott, that the game got less asinine as it went on....however not by much. The things you had to do to complete the game gave me a headache from its stupidity. I.E. Giving some lunatic woman a backrub while she moans as if having the greatest orgasm on record. What genius thought that up.

I'm really tired of stupid people. People in general, but stupid people moreso. People who make the asinine statement of: "You can't miss it if you never had it...you don't know what it's like." It's like this. If I get scalded by water...I can make a pretty good assumption of what it's going to feel like if I stick my hand in the fire. I have never wanted to break somebody's neck so badly. But...moving on...

Ich muß Gefühle jetzt kämpfen, die ich nie vorher kämpfen mußte. Jemand so zu wünschen ist nicht recht. Aber dennoch... noch I Hoffnung. Eine verbotene Hoffnung. Warum? Warum muß ich durch das gehn?

It is done. It took from 2 A.M. to 8:15 A.M. but it is finally finished. Maybe now that I've 'revamped' my blog more people will visit. I did much better than I thought I would. Although I don't know what it says about me considering how long it took.

I got the Shinedown and Chevelle CD's today. I must remember to thank Pam later for the tip on Shinedown.

I have 5 months to become fluent in German before I leave. My German is good enough now as it is, but I would rather be more fluent so they don't think,'Stupid American....coming here expecting us all to speak English.' However I must still decide what I want to do before then. The Army or wherever Wade plans to take me, heh. All I know is there's only one thing I want right now, and he's in Germany. That's all I care about. Everything else is just mundane and pointless. Something's got to change. I don't care if it's me or if it's the situation, but something's got to give. I can't take much more. That's all for now from me....btw....good luck on the SAT's Pam. I'm sure you'll do great.

~~'When I am old sitting in my electric chair I will tell my children all about Rammstein and by then music will have changed and they will think I'm stupid.' 'Uh..your electric chair?' 'yes, because I am old and can't walk well.' 'Do you mean wheelchair? Because electric chair is what they fry people in.' 'Oh...yes then is wheelchair.'--Sergio and me

I'm going to Germany in June. If at all possible, I'm not coming back.

Jack: So you're a terrorist huh? How many 7-11 stores do you own? What? Come on, if you're a terrorist you have to own at least ONE 7-11!!
Scott: Man ain't nobody scared of nobody in this town.

Apparently we caught a terrorist last night. Congratulations to us. I got 16 hours of sleep today. Considering I've only been getting 1-2 hours all week, I think that's a fair trade off.


Jamie: Come on Heather, I thought you and me was down like a car with four flat tires.

Since I forgot to post this earlier, here it is now. My thoughts on "The Apprentice"....


Personally, I think Donald Trump would be hard to work for. He would make me mad and I would tell him where to go and how to get there and he would fire me. Then I would become more rich than him and stuff my hard earned money up his.....nevermind. Anyway....I can't stand Sam. I do not like him in a car. I do not like him on a train. I do not like him on that show. He should not be in that game. However I did find it funny yesterday when what's his face put the hat on his head and said,"Sam...close your eyes. You are not in the city. You are no longer Sam from the City'. You are 'Country Sam'. Be the hat, man. Be the hat." Yes, good advice indeed.

Furthermore, WHAT was that about with....er....what's her face....saying,"Just stop with your racist comments." when the other girl said,"That's like the pot calling the kettle black." SHE WAS CALLING YOU A HYPOCRITE YOU IDIOT! Has no one else heard that phrase? and what is it with some people? If someone told me,"you look red with rage." I wouldn't be like,"YOU RACIST!" Get a life.

This blog is going to be random because unfortunately I can only sleep for 2 hours before being awakened with things on my mind and can't go back to sleep.


I suppose I just need to ask people when I require their assistance instead of saying it in here since it's about a month before anyone visits. So I guess I'll have to IM Pam personally instead of just saying in here,"PAM COULD YOU CHANGE MY BLOG COLORS?" ;)

Yeah, I really like that Mobscene remix now by Christoph and Paul. At first I thought it was stupid. Then it became quite addictive. Sad to say the least.

I really like Lichtspielhaus. (Natuerlich.) Especially the making of's. I recommend to anyone looking for something good to watch with at least 4 hours on their hands lol.

Ok...Die Sonne sheint und Morgen ist hier. Ich muss gehn.

I got gummy bears tonight. But then I noticed they were "Buddy Bears Gummi Bears". They have hearts on their stomachs and are holding their arms out in a hug. Hmm....I'm guessing this is the "gay version" of the gummy bears.

More than one occasion I have wished that I had a camera phone. I pulled up beside a car tonight, and out of the corner of my eye I noticed that something was wrong. I looked over and the rear-view mirror had been taped to the side of the car door (mirror side down) with masking tape. Only two words can explain this phenomenon: DOVER CAR!

Dad: "You get paid every time your song comes on the radio?! Well, I'm going to be on the phone 23 hours a day calling the radio stations. 'Hey will you play that new song by Heather Akena?!'"
Chris: I'll help!

It's nice to know I have people willing to add to my bank account :D.

Song of the day: "The Sky Is Falling"-Lifehouse

Tonight is apparently copy/paste songs into Blogger night. :: sigh:: and I want to know why my time is always off by several hours on this thing. Pam, please fix this lol. Why do I blog? No one ever reads it. Maybe it's just out of habit. I died again last night. And I think I'm going to keep dying until I either stay dead or find what I'm looking for. I know I can find it...the question is...will I want it when I find it? There are two quotes tonight that I'm going to add as well.

"I'm not afraid of dying. After all I die a little more every day since you came into my life."--Amidala

"It's only profitable to live a lie if you don't know it's a lie."--Me


If there is a tear on my face
It makes me shiver to the bone
It shakes me, Babe
It's just a heartache that got caught in my eye
And you know I never cry, I never cry

Sometimes I drink more than I need
Until the TV's dead and gone
I may be lonely
But I'm never alone
And the night may pass me by
But I'll never cry

Take away, take away my eyes
Sometimes I'd rather be blind
Break a heart, break a heart of stone
Open it up but don't you leave it alone

'Cuz that's all I got to give you
Believe me Babe, it ain't been used
My heart's a virgin, its never been tried
And you know I'll never cry
And you know I'll never cry
And you know I'll never cry
Never cry, I'll never cry

Break a heart, break a heart of stone
'Cuz that's all I got to give you
Believe me Babe, it ain't been used
My heart's a virgin, its never been tried
And you know I'll never cry
Never cry
I'll never cry

I have officially dyed my hair as black as possible. Now when my "Shock blue" hair extensions come in, I'll be good to go, muahaha. Me+hair dye=dangerous.

I talked to Wade for 4 hours last night. He wants me to go to Kuwait with him for the Military Entertainment thing, and, you know what, I think I'm gonna go. Sounds like fun....and I have to make sure Wade doesn't embarrass himself. You'd be surprised the things one talks about at 2 a.m.

On another note....


Make the world go away
Get it off my shoulder
Say the things we used to say
And make the world, make it go away

Do you remember when you loved me
Before the world took you away
Well if you do, then forgive me
And make the world, make it go away

Make the world go away
Get it off my shoulder
Say the things we used to say
And make the world, make it go away

Now I�m sorry if I hurt you
Let me make it up to you day by day
And if you will please forgive me
And make the world, make it go away

Make the world go away
Get it off my shoulder
Say the things we used to say
And make the world, make it go away

I want to scream in German. Really loudly. I still feel peaceful in a way, yet intensely angry. I hate people. I'm going to work in the Counterterrorism division of the CIA so I can blow up all the people I hate and get paid for it. I hate everything and everyone right now and I'm all right with that. Screw you all. Have a nice day. :)

Quotes from the past:

"You do not live here therefore your opinion is null and void!"-me

"And she embarrassed me in front of everyone! She said,'Oh, that's just the underwire in your bra.' and I said,'No....THOSE ARE MY LEAD BOOBIES!'"--Gina, talking about being frisked at the airport

"Who dat is?" "Girl das jus' my baby daddy."-Nicole and me

"You...you...frito!"-Pam

"Welcome to the bizarro string world."-Pam also

"She looked like she'd been hit with a 100 lb. bag of 'What the hell?'"-Jamie, although it's much funnier when said.

"She looked like she did the 100 yd. dash in a 90 yd. gym." "...wait I don't get it...." "She hit the wall, stupid!" "....OH OK!"-Jamie and Chad

"The question is...can you handle it?" "....uh...I'm not the one doing the exercising."--Me and Chad. Me obviously intoxicated by Chad's hotness.

"I would never sleep with someone who's already been sleeping with someone else. I might get VIH."-Sergio

"I've just been violated bumper to bumper!"-Nicole

"What it is, dawg?" "I'm a bat, don't call me no names. I'm a BAT. You see that Robin over 'der. He ain't worf' it, nu uh. Don't mess with me. I might only have one finger on my wing but I'll POKE YOU"-Wade

"ha, that was so homosexual."-Jay

"Stop following me so close!.....you ain't queer are you?"-Slinky

"Welcome to Idaho. Wait...who da ho?"-Wade

"Lucretia? Is she related to Lucifer?"-Me

"My name is Shatifah Bonifah Latifah Laquanda Julianne Makinawa"-Wade again

"Hello Mr. Greene, this is Britney Spears and I just wanted to let you know that Wade has won a top secret contest he doesn't even know about." "OMG are you really Britney Spears. You sound like her....are you?" "Yes sir. Can Wade dance or sing?" "....well...not really no."-Me messing with Wade's dad.

"Heather I heard your song on the radio! I told everyone at work,'I know her!'"-Wade's dad mistaking Amy Lee's voice for my own.

"This sucks." "You should tell them." "Yeah your right. ZEES EES WHAT I SINK OF YOU STUPID REDNECK PEOPLE!"-Till and me, right before Till goes to urinate all over the house

"Dover car!"-Brent

"Hey, let's take pictures of all the stupid buildings in this town. First on the list...HILLS AND THRILLS!"-Brent again (but it's heels and frills)

"He said to write him and give dad the letter and he would put it in his box." "Yeah I'll give him something and put him in a box all right."-dad and me.


More to come as I think of them

Random soapbox rant: I hate it when people think I don't know something. I know practically everything. Around the time that it happens. Why? Because I am observant, and I learn from the best. (namely the Father of Profiling's top student David...but...whatever) My point is...don't underestimate me. You're only making yourself look stupid.

Well I am surprised. My letters showed up after all. :: applaudes Blogger for once:: Ahem....now let me get straight to my point.

I love the night. Especially on a full moon. There's just something in the air that makes everything peaceful. I also love things that remind me of what good memories I do have. In case you're wondering what I'm babbling about, I just saw "Return of the King". Besides the fact I stared a lot at Viggo Mortenson's nose and thought,"ew" (long story) so much of it reminded me of the good things in my past. And my future. I walked out into a lonely parking lot and let the wind hit my face and ignored the rest of the world. I am finally free.

Erste, fr�hliche Weihnachten, gl�ckliches neues Jahr und alles, sonst,
das ich vergessen hatte, jeder zu w�nschen. Now part of my German letters are probably going to show up as question marks. That makes me quite angry.

You know you are stressed out when:
1.) You realize you have been wearing liquid concealer as lipstick...for a week and a half.
2.) You are in mid-sentence and have already forgotten not only what you were about to say, but what you have said already.
3.) You take great care to wrap the presents to the right people in coordinated packaging, only to write the wrong names on the labels.
4.) Your "word of the day" is "huh?" or "what?"
5.) You wake up saying,"I just had the greatest dream!....now what was it?"
6.) The thought of "Peace on Earth" makes your stomach churn.
7.) Eating seems to require more energy than you have.
8.) You refer to people by different names or several different names together. (I.e. Billy Joe Bob)
9.) You throw things just to feel better and worry about replacing the holes in the wall later.

and...
Please pity me and send a nice check in my name to help my frayed nerves.

On another note...I had the most unusual urge to grab Jamie's butt the other night. :x. Childish, I know, but the desire remained nonetheless until I actually (insert surprised gasp) reached out to it. But, he moved. Thank goodness.

And finally....I shall leave this god-forsaken town behind me for a month and make my way to Iowa where I shall convince all of Wade's friends that I am a vampire. muwahahaha. mmmm fangs. Oh, by the way Pam.....Wade lives in the north. He says that "pop" is definately a northen thing. Mmkay. Yes I win. Thank you. lol

Yes Pam.....leave it to Till to leave you so hopeful lol. But it's a true quote, though. Whether it be through death or what...it eventually dies. :: sigh::

Well, tonight I finished my Dracula song. (Yes, it has a name, but I'm not writing it for the sake of the copyright.) It's the most awesome song in the history of time. But of course once you write a song about Dracula, you run the risk of being called things like "Spawn of Satan" "Evil one" and many other things...all of which I was called tonight. :) Ha. They should hear my song about Hitler...then they'll really think I'm a spawn of the devil. My Mom showed Tim an old picture of me and he said,"aww I know that Heather. She was so sweet." and I said,"Yeah...who knew in 3 years she'd write songs about Hitler and Dracula. :D" anddd I got a kiss. Tee hee. Gary added another guitar part...he is so coming on tour with me. That way I only have to pay him in backrubs. And Brian...well...I'll just let him get a lot of exposure so he'll be so starstruck I won't have to pay him either. :)

Ahhh it's so good to be back in the studio. Just walking down the hallway, my bad mood lifted and I felt at home. I was met by Brian who gave me a hug and said he missed me and was glad to be working with me again. Then Gary came and said,"I want you to know, I've been listening to Rammstein all day to try and get the feel of this song! :D" poor guy....lol but I love him. Then Keyter came in...and that's when I realized how right everything felt. He grinned really big and wrapped his arms around me and said,"It's SO good to be back working with you! You are so awesome....you have some serious creative genius." I don't blush often, but I did then...because Keyter is the most awesome musician in the history of time. He said I was his favorite person to work for :). aww I love you too Keyt. Of course it wouldn't have been a complete studio session if we didn't cut up most of the time. Keyter and I are both the same amount of Cherokee Indian, so we always change the lyrics to things like,"You stole our land white man." while Tim and I make up separate lyrics about crack. It wastes time, but it's fun. The song will be finished tomorrow....then it can be used for the soundtrack. Muwahahaha. More on the studio time tomorrow, but for now, I shall leave you with a quote from Till.

~~~"Love is like a flower, even the most beautiful kind dies."


So true. So true.

I'm glad I have at least one good friend in the world. a.k.a. Pam. (or Pinky, depending on the moment.) She is the only person who actually acknowledged that this tragedy even happened, and didn't immediately switch to what movies she saw recently. So thank you Pam. And yes, things will look up for me. This soundtrack deal has my name written all over it.

Thanksgiving sucked...and it's ruined for the rest of my life. My uncle called this morning and said that my aunt's best friend (Who I was also close to) was murdered and they found her and her husband's body yesterday, but he only found out this morning. I don't even want to celebrate this stupid holiday anymore. That's all.

I figured it's about time I post. I've been meaning to for a while, but haven't gotten around to it. (When exciting things are happening like the entire police dept. chasing down a car with a refridgerator strapped to the trunk I just don't have the time to write.) Hopefully soon I shall leave this god-forsaken town to go to Berlin. Where my true home is. But only time will tell.

I think it's funny how people get the wrong ideas. There are people I know that apparently think they know who they're talking to. They don't use names, but they give out subtle hints. I, for one, am not so subtle. Ashely, it's not sacred. It's stupid. Get over it. Dankesch�n. Tsch��.

I'm also sick of people who whine about things as if they could be changed. They let themselves be run over. Why? What is the joy in getting your face smacked in the pavement over and over again? Why can you not stand up for yourself and just say what needs to be said? It's beyond me. I've also decided to write a song about Hitler, it will be on the same album as my song about Dracula. Muahahaha. Pam, hopefully I shall be able to come visit before I leave Hell.

If you're going to say "y'all", please spell it correctly. And furthermore.....it's soda....not pop. I'm starting a poll. Everyone who says pop....tell me where you're from. I'm going to prove to you Pam that this is a northern thing. lol

I sat in the graveyard for Halloween. It's ironic that I find such peace there. With all the crazy things going on outside, the lights and sirens going off...I just sat with the dead and looked at the sky.

To all the stupid people out there: "Ich bin dein Negativ....und ich komme f�r Sie."

Yet another quote....

"She looks like she did the 100 yd. dash in a 90 yd. gym. :: insert head smack motion and pained grunt::"

We hit a deer last night while looking for a car that had a gigantic fridge strapped to the back of it. Poor deer :( Oh well, it'll take 2 asprin and feel better in the morning.

Jamie stopped me last night. "Excuse me....I wasn't going 48." "Yes you were." "No way." "Yes way!" "Loser!" "So?!....wait....." haha, I love him.

When people are trying to contain laughter...have you ever noticed how they look constipated? I have found my stress relief in screaming at stupid people 3 ways to Sunday. I guess some people find my comments rather amusing. Woo hoo.

On a final note....I have never been so turned on by cologne in my life. I have sunken to a new low.

Hey Pam, I have a new quote you can use for the people you despise most. You can thank Jamie for it later.

"She looks like she's been hit with a 100 lb. bag of 'What the hell?'"

People often wonder why I surround myself with men. The answer: I hate girls/women. Their stupidity annoys me. Granted I may be one of them, but it doesn't mean I act like them. I got stuck behind 4 dumb blonde crackheads tonight. They squealed excessively, for one thing. For another thing, one girl had just gotten on the Real World and was delirious. She kept yelling,"Want me to sign something for you? I'M GONNA BE FAMOUS!" "DO YOU REALIZE A FAMOUS PERSON IS HOLDING YOUR PEN???" ''OMG I'M LIKE SO FAMOUS!!!!!!!!" ...right.... just gag me with a fork.

Sometimes I wonder if the world is ready for me.
Then I realize....it isn't. Oops.

I tried to put in a cartoon I found, but it won't let me because it's stupid. I'll have to ask Pam how since she's the queen of this. Hmmm...

On another note: I've finished most of the studio work. I have some video ideas now. Alles in ordnung. muahaha.

First I'll start of by posting something I realized while driving the other day. You know you live in a redneck town when you see someone outside spraypainting their lawn green because it wasn't "the right color". Yeah.....moving on....

I indent, but yet when I publish the post, it goes away. Makes me irritable indeed. So what was I going to say....oh yes. More of life's rantings. I am now pitting the Army and the Air Force against each other. Whoever offers me the better deal, I will go with. :: sigh:: Being a genius is hard work sometimes. But fun, nonetheless. I must congratulate my mother's friend. She has made me so mad I was actually shaking with anger. It's a new record for me. I wanted to kill her with my bare hands and laugh like an insane maniac while doing it. She had the nerve to say that a certain someone wasn't good enough for me because he was a "dirty old man". Oh no. She doesn't know him. She has no right to judge him. And he isn't even that old. I have made my point. Now if you all will excuse me I have to go retrieve paper from my dog.

As Oli would say,"Pain or sorrow is the best starting point for artistic expression." Such deep words from a man who rarely uses any. (words not artistic expression) The songs are coming along quite beautifully. They reflect the deepest part of my soul that I locked away for a long time because no one cared about it and it had to come out some way. So it did so in song. Once "Timmy" finishes his bass line and Rusty finishes his guitars......it will be nice. Very nice indeed.

It's always interesting to be singing and look over only to see your 60-something year old keyboard player headbanging. In a suit, I might add. But the man is nevertheless a genius. He also kept trying to make me laugh by sticking his lips out and moving back and forth making noises like a lightsaber. However that's not as bad as my drummer...who slammed up against the glass and puffed out his mouth and slid down the glass. But I guess I'll forgive him because he gives excellent backrubs.

We thought about doing an indian song since my keyboarder and I are both indian. Tim and the drummer decided they wanted to do backup, so they started doing the indian chants along with him, except extremely out of key. I wish I could have tape-recorded that to use for blackmail later.

Weird things are definately happening around here. I'm getting "signs" and "dreams" more often. So something big is about to happen, and I think I know what. But I shall refrain from saying it until I am more certain. Good-bye for now.

Hello everyone. You know what I have decided? I hate Ashely so much, she's getting her own song. It's called "Loser" because she's so scared she's going to die from a rash. And yet.....she thinks people WITH LIVES are losers. And I know she's going to say,"If you got somethin' to say....say it in English." But you know what. It's more fun when you can't understand and pretend you do.

Dear Ashely,
Препятствуйте нам посмотреть определение задержано в развитии. оно кажется ваше изображение около его. Не что сярприз? Вы будете loser не может погулять прогулка.

Wenn Sie nicht m�gen, was ich sage, aufrichtig glaube ich, da� Sie kann lecken mein arse. Ich hoffe, da� bald ich in der LageBIN, Mittel des
�berschusses....ich mienen... in Sie bald laufen zu lassen. Haben Sie einen sch�nen Tag, Verlierer. Ach- ja, dachten Sie �berhaupt, um zu �berpr�fen und zu sehen, ob Sie Krabben haben,diesen Hautausschlag zu begleiten?

I head back into the studio Monday. Ahh stress relief.

Idiot quote of the day: "I'm impotent and proud of it!!!!........wait.....that's not right. IMPORTANT! Yeahhhh that's it!"

I realized today I actually like a certain person....and I never realized I liked them before. Hmm...now I have a paradox on my hands....and a very complicated situation.

Final note: Why must Jamie always open the door, lean out and say,"Peek-a-boo"? ...Crazy man...

First note: I do NOT look like Donna from that 70's show. We have the same nose so everyone automatically assumes we have the same face. No.

Second note: Pam you forgot to mention Rammstein as great artists who write their own stuff. SHAME ON YOU! haha

I have Linda Hamilton arms finally! I'm so proud of myself. Now I actually look like I can kill somebody (instead of just being able to without looking it.) Life is good...even if your step-mother does want to kill you.

Soon, my love. I'll be in Berlin.

I almost forgot...

I am in the best of moods right now. Christian Bale is going to be the new Batman. I'm not happy because I like Batman...frankly I could care less. I just want to see Christian Bale. Mmmness. You know, if his wife ever divorces him I'd be more than happy to be there to pick up the pieces and mend his aching heart. :: innocent smile::

My hero has passed on. Well....sort of hero. Johnny Cash would have understood me...and he might've been the only one. He would have known that wearing black all the time doesn't mean you're a freak. I, for one, prefer the term "Unique". I rhymed....woo...
Everyone is dying it seems. Most of my immediate family is now gone and things are getting stranger and stranger. But, no matter....I like them the way they are. Thanks to that....I know now where I'm supposed to be in life...and believe me....I'll get there. I don't know how and I don't know when...but I will get there.

I spent 3 hours tonight changing a toilet seat. Yes ladies and gentlemen....a toilet seat. My father rigged it somehow or someway and it was impossible to remove. Hercules would have even had trouble. But...I prevailed. As always. Although I fear I smell somewhat toilet-scented.

I used to wonder why I like what I do. Now I don't care. We are who we are because that's what we are, for whatever reason or another. The things I have become obsessed with would scare even the most insane. But do I care? No. I have one chance to live and I'm going to live it as dangerously as possible. Why am I rambling? I don't know. All I know is more and more I find myself missing the past. Something I always swore I would never do. They always say,"There are better things ahead than any you leave behind." If that's so....how come the past always looks so appealing and the future so dismal? There are still questions that go unanswered. Like....why do I love someone only to lose them? Why do I find peace in the dispair? Why am I a nocturnal masochist who loves fire? Why does holding a gun in my hand make me feel happy? The world may never know. All I know is I'm different. I always have been. Sorry....I'm still babbling....but I have messages to give out....

To everyone who used me: Screw you
To everyone who said they loved me and then did me wrong: screw you even more
To Pinky: You deserve the best for supporting my dillusional views of reality
To Lori: Ditto. Remember...."If I go down, I'm taking you with me so I won't be lonely." lol
To people I haven't met: You don't want to know me
To people who love me: You can't handle it and it's too dangerous....don't bother.

What point was there to this blog? None....but I figure I should blog more even if I don't have anything to say. I will say I have 2 good friends that I trust. They have finally earned my trust after knowing them 5+ years. They are the only two. That's all I have to say about that. Now I will leave you with my theme song for the moment....

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again,
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did,
It has not healed with time...
It just shot down my spine.
You look so beautiful tonight,
Remind me how you laid us down,
And gently smiled,
Before you destroyed my life...

Would you find it in your heart,
To make this go away,
And let me rest in pieces?
(Let me rest in pieces)
Would you find it in your heart,
To make this go away,
And let me rest in pieces?
(Let me rest in pieces)

Look at me, my depth perception must be off again,
You got much closer than I thought you did,
I'm in your reach,
You held me in your hands...

But could you find it in your heart,
To make this go away,
And let me rest in pieces?
(Let me rest in pieces)
Would you find it in your heart,
To make this go away,
And let me rest in pieces?
(Let me rest in pieces)

Could you find, could you find in your heart?
(Could you find, could you let me rest in pieces)
Could you find, could you find in your heart?
(Could you find, could you let me rest in pieces)

Time: 4 am
Location: Police Department
Problem: Tiredness intervenes with sanity

Scott: OMG! DEACON FINKEL! ahahaahaaaaa!!!!! Who would name their kid Deacon Finkel?!.....that's some funny shit...I gotta write that down....:: takes out pen and writes name on hand::
Me: What's so funny about it?
Scott: Finkel.....it sounds like fecal.....get it? hahahahaaaaa
Me: ah...right.
Scott: HEY SLINKY! hahaha Slinky's a funny word. anyway...check out this name....DEACON....FINKEL!!!! aaaaaaahahahaha.
Slinky: Yeah...right...that's hilarious Scott.

Scott: Yeah so this guy was talking about the third riech (reesh) earlier....
Me: You mean Third Reich (Reish)?
Scott: No he said Riech
Me: The third smell?
Scott: Oh is that what he was saying? hahahaha I didn't think it sounded right.

Jamie: Yeah I know German. Spriken see doosh?
Me: yyyeah....douchebag....
Jamie: hey cool, is that really a German word?!
Me: .....no.

Scott: I stopped a Spanish guy the other day. He was like,"me no speaka no english." So I said,'Okay then...Apague por favor el coche y tome las llaves de la ignici?n. Despu�s camine del coche y ponga sus manos en la capilla. Usted ir? ahora a encarcelar, y su mama es una vaca gorda grande. Tenga una tarde
agradable." Which is "Please turn off the car and take the keys out of the ignition. Then step out of the car and place your hands on the hood. You will be going to jail now, and your mom is a big fat cow. Have a pleasant evening.

Scott: How do you say 'Stop!' in German?
Me:....stop. (schtopp).
Scott: oh....okay.....well.....how do you say.."stop, I am the police!"
Me: Stop, Ich bin der Polizei.
Scott: Heyy cool.
Me: or just say,'Stop laufenden idioten, oder ich brenne Ihren Kopf weg durch.'
Scott: What's that?
Me: Stop running idiot, or I'll blow your head off.
Scott: :: contemplates for a second:: yeahhh I like that.
Me: Hey you're a sergeant right?
Scott: yeah.
Me: Well then just say,'Ich bin der Wachtmeister.' and they should stop.
Scott: Wachtmeister?
Me: yeah...it means 'police sergeant.'
Scott: Wachtmeister?!
Me: Ja, Wachmeister!
Scott: dude....that sounds like whacked mister. I am NOT saying that.

Scott: I recommend Finding Nemo to anyone who feels like laughing their ass off for an hour and a half.

Drunk guy 1:I stopped in the middle of the street because the clutch is bad.
Scott: The clutch or the brake?
Drunk guy 1: um...both?
Scott: Nice try.
Drunk guy 2: Yeah, and he be all stoppin' and jerkin' in da road cause o' dat clutch too!
Drunk guy 1: SHUTUP FOO'!
Drunk guy 2: No you shutup!
Drunk guy 1: YO MAMA
Drunk guy 2: Oh das it...
Jamie: Hey guys. Why don't you put on this pretty bracelet for me..
Both: Heyyy yeah! bracelets!! What they look like?
Jamie :: handcuffs them:: ..this...

It's funny......no....it's ironic now that I think about it. Terminator 3. I never thought I would come out of that movie wondering about life...but...I did....and I do. We can't stop the future, but yet we are a part of it. No matter how hard we try we can't change it and everything that happens is shaping us up for that one moment that is ours. I used to wonder why I was born now instead of a thousand years ago....a hundred years ago...or even 50 years ago. Why now? But now I realize....what we don't know.....we don't know for a reason. It's all leading up to a moment when we suddenly get it. If we knew beforehand...we would try unsuccessfully to change it, screwing things up in the process. An enigma if nothing else...

First of all...let me just say that I totally agree with Pam on the contentness issues of late. If no one has any idea what those are...go read her blog. (By the way Pam you do know what "Voulez vous coucher avec moi, Ce soir?" means right? yeahh you probably do and that's why you put it lol.) So I'm here in Charleston..."enjoying za nice weazah." I had a lot of workshops today, but...I survived. I met Joey(Johnny) and Sissy(Kathy) from Family Affair. They are so nice and Johnny's hilarious. Hmm...what else what else. Oh yes...I seem to unknowingly be attracted to divorced older men. What's WRONG WITH ME?! Okay I'm too tired to type anything else. Wish me luck.

I was watching this show the other day. Something about the search for America's top model. This girl Elyse...she did everything wrong on her modeling. She slumped, she started with the wrong foot, and she stomped when she walked. But yet....everyone thought she was the greatest thing. I think it was because she learned some French phrases or something. This other girl...she had NO personality whatsoever. She was like,"I'm so excited we're going to France..." but she said it like she was a hypnotized drone. and this one girl Robin...she had a body. And a good one too. and this woman goes,"France has no place for plus size models." She had the freaking body of a goddess...but just because she wasn't a 34 waist size....oh she's not good enough. I swear I hate this industry. Sometimes I would like to hurt them. Okay I'm stepping off my soap box now.

I had a relatively good birthday today. (The 27th. If you're reading this, you owe me a present. You're late.) I mailed Pam's tickets today so she can go to 104 fest without me :( I wanted to go...but :: sigh::....destiny calls. So I performed for my teacher today and she was so impressed she said I was going into the "Professional" category if she had to defy her boss. I'm so proud. :) That man at IMTA with his stupid low rate sitcom doesn't know what he's talking about.

Oh yes...and I saw Jon today. Miranda was with him. Ohh how I love days like this. She apparently wants to control Jon and she does not like me in the least. Exxxxxcceelllennnttt. So when Jon gave me flowers and a card for my birthday, I made a show of it by giving him a much more than affectionate hug and glaring at her with a death stare. I thoroughly enjoy those moments.

In Pam's exuberant joy she has apparently forgotten to tell everyone on her blog that I'll be coming to see her for July 4th. Oh, to 104 fest we will go, to 104 fest we will go. High ho the derry-o to 104 fest we will go.

Take it from me...never eat before you go to sleep. If you do...you will have dreams such as the ones I'm about to inform you of. Enjoy...

---I was the Terminator. All male...Arnold Schwarzenegger. My ears had been pulled off as well as my nose and all that was left was the terminator skull in those areas. I was trying to figure out why I couldn't get my eye scanned so I went to this machine and started typing things into it. I kept telling myself I had to remember what came next because this was an old Terminator movie from 1984. I dunno why...don't ask. Anyway...this long metal rod came out and for identity verification I had to shove it up my nasal cavity and press some trigger thing that released air into my "nose". It really looked like I was snorting cocaine. The wall came open and it gave me what looked like a camera lens. I held it up to my eye and kept looking at it and I could see in the reflection of the lens that my eyes were yellow. I was studying myself like I was some foreign specimen and all of a sudden Lori and Pam came running in and Lori was screaming,"HEATHER! IT'S JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIE! GODZILLA'S HERE!!!! YOU HAVE TO DESTROY HIM!" so in all my muscular man-ness I ran outside and flexed a couple times like I was some chip-n-dale. Pam smacked me in the back of the head, stuck her finger in my metal ear hole and pulled my head up to look at the sky. "Godzilla" was a gigantic purple balloon dragon. Breathing fire that had obviously been added for special effects. I looked at it in disbelief and said,"boy...talk about CHEAP GRAPHICS...'' then...the end.

---I don't think I was a prostitute...but...I could have been. I went to go buy a ticket for the train in NYC and the only clothes I was wearing were a pair of daisy dukes (cut even shorter for added effect) and something on my sides below my arms. Nothing covering necessary places. My hair was bleached blonde and curled like in the 50's and I was wearing bright red lipstick. The guy at the ticket counter was of course staring at me dumbfounded, but I just took my ticket and went on my merry way. When I got to my hotel room, I studied myself in the reflection of the mirror and tried to think of ways to make myself look as slutty as possible without getting arrested.

---Our entire living room was made out of plastic cups. and our backyard was a junk yard. But there was an evil junkyard man we had to escape from. So I would jump in old cars that shouldn't have been able to run and had to use my feet to drive away like I was Fred Flintstone.

---I was at a restaurant that had seats like a school bus. The dixie Chicks were lounging around and I went up to them and exclaimed,"HEY! Do you know Rammstein?!" and Natalie said,"Of course. But they always want us to eat that nasty German food whenever we're around them so we don't see them that much." So we sat down and all of a sudden I was in my mom's car and Jimmy Fallon was in the back seat. I had a baby and it was the ugliest thing I had ever seen. I kept telling everyone it was mine and Buck's baby. (Buck being one of the characters in the Left Behind series. If you ever watched the movie, he was played by Kirk Cameron.) The baby had obviously messed his diaper more than once and I was running around the house trying to find diapers but couldn't find any. I asked my mom where they were and she told me to look in the hall closet. Jimmy said,"Oh he's so cute! (..gag me...) Can I hold him?" So I gratefully gave him to Jimmy thinking maybe he would change him instead of me having to because frankly i don't wanna see his...um....anyway....all of a sudden we were sitting in a run down restaurant and the waiter, who must've weighed 700 lbs, handed me a sheet and asked me to put a check beside the snickers bar. When I asked him why, he screamed,"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I HAVE TO LOSE MY VIRGINITY!!!!!!!" So I checked it for him and got up and went over to Lori and then looked back at Jimmy and started screaming,"LORI WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, JIMMY'S A SECRET AGENT!" and Jimmy got up, looking very evil I must say...and we ran out the door and there ended that dream.


Well, I hope you have enjoyed.

I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. So much anger....so much determination. Where did I get that from? Who knows. All I know is the past was the past and I enjoyed it while I had it, but I don't have it anymore. It's time to move on. If I get it back, great. If I don't....I didn't get it for a reason then. I will dwell on it no more..

"You never truly know someone until you fight them."

"Wait a minute! You....you go to my church!!" Her eyes were wide. She was scared...and I knew it. Jon had told me about her and she was aware of it. He had told me too much. I smiled a smile that let her know I would be in control from here on out and try to relieve her of her fears. So she wouldn't think that I was like "them". That pristine innocence that annoyed the rest of the world did not envelop me. So this was Miranda. The "skater chick" who "drinks too much" was the girl who went to my church. Interesting. This was Jon's new interest. Well...for the moment. I saw the look in his eyes and returned his gaze. As if assuring him he would find no other woman like me, but encouraged....almost dared him to try. Go on Jon...run to her. It won't be long before you realize no one can replace me...too bad I won't be there waiting.

Tee hee

In the evening sky there was peach. There was blue. There was purple. There was red. There was pink. There was life. And most of all...there was hope.

"Why was I here?" I wondered as I stared at myself in the mirror and noticed for the first time that black pantyhose make my calves look rediculously huge. "Why would they put gigantic glass mirrors that blow every part of your body way out of proportion?" I also wondered. Then I noticed the calves of the barbie beside me. Her whole entire body was the size of one of my calves. I sighed. Then again hoping someone would save me from this insane world. Alas. I am still here. We watched a video of some of the things they do at MIE and it left me with a very uneasy feeling. Seeing girls so tiny a light breeze would blow them high enough into the air Mary Poppins herself would have been proud (and they don't even need an umbrella) in bathing suits left me with an uneasy feeling. There's no way they would put someone who didn't have the perfect body in a bikini like that and march them down the runway. Finally, after sitting in that freaking chair for 2 hours it was my turn. I walked in and she wanted me to do the runway. She looked at me one time, smiled, and then looked down. She never returned my gaze as I tried to read her. Why wouldn't she look at me? I already knew. "MIE only takes girls that have a waist size of no more than 36." Thanks for telling me that at the beginning.....wench. She tried to make up for it by talking about how beautiful I was and that I had such a "pretty face" I wanted to punch her in hers. That's what they tell fat people and I am by no means fat. "Oh you have such a pretty face." Whatever. Why don't you just kiss my fluffy butt. I saw some of the girls they took. They must have been desperate. They clomped down the runway, fell over, slouched, did everything wrong and still got in. I was perfect and couldn't go because I didn't fit the requirements. Apparently there are no I.Q. requirements. Otherwise no one would be going. I feel sorry for the girls who didn't get in. They were crying, rejected once again and they were trying so hard. They were promised a job...they were told women their size were in demand. But they...like me...were being rejected. I don't have a category. I am neither fat nor tiny. I'm square in the middle. I'm the thinnest "plus-size" person. My hips will never be a 36. God built me wide. So they can deal with it. They only offer false hope. I need it not. I would much rather tote a machine gun and blast out my frustration on cardboard cutouts than clomp down a runway in stiletto's.

First Barbizon, then Sgt. Joyner...now the phone was ringing again for me. Everyone wanted a piece of me now. I didn't know whether to feel like a escaped con or a proud citizen when "U.S. Government" showed up on the caller I.D. Of course i had to answer it with,"Whatever it is, IMRAN DID IT!" I had to get that out of the way first. But yes...on to the story. Barbizon....the modeling school of modeling schools...they work so hard to train you...to strengthen your will and sharpen your abilities, but the "plus size" must always remain on the outside. It's a thin people's world. We "fat people" simply live in it. They called and wanted to know if I was still going to Audition for MIE (Modeling In Europe) tomorrow. "Of course" I said as sweetly as possible. After all...I am thinner...maybe they'll take me. Maybe I'll go to Europe and accomplish something. Then there's Joyner...

No one ever called Jon back. Maybe he's too stupid? Lovely. I'm too fat and he's too stupid. What is the world coming to? Nevertheless, if they want me to fit into their "stick" mindset, I shall do so. After all, I am highly adaptable. I could be the Twiggy of the military. Take that, Osama! Joyner calls me at least once every two weeks. He tries to do so every week. He wants me to join, he really does. I feel so loved. He called me again today. "Just want to make sure you're still joining and just checking up on you to see how things are going." Of course. He and Sgt. Creagan...two wonderful people. Only in SC would you hear a Sgt. of the United States Army say,"I know you must think I'm drunk, but I'm really not!" Yes, Sgt. Creagan has lost her mind...but...I like it. It makes me feel less....alone. Now I know there are other people in need of padded rooms as well.

The phone rang again. I bent over with a salad on my lap and almost banged my head on the glove compartment 15 million times thanks to the messed up tires my mother has that make sounds like a space ship re-entering the atmosphere on fire. I know one day the airbag is going to explode in my face. "Hello?" "Heather...?" Why must Imran always ask if it's me? I'm the one who sounds like a bird with a collapsed nostril because of my cold. Is it really hard to figure out who it is? "yes Imran...it's me." Did I sound exasperated? Probably. Did I care? No. "Jon's here....should I put you through to him?" My mouth dropped. My mother was going to kill me. I had gone on house-cleaning strike because I was underpaid (or not paid...however you want to take it) and not fully appreciated. Imran had to be joking. There was no way Jon was sitting at my..."Wazzzapp?" ....He was. His unmistakable awful budweiser commercial impersonation rang in my ears and I was speechless. My mom continued to look at me like I'd lost my mind and asked me what was wrong. I finally managed to choke out..."Jon's at the house." She hit the steering wheel in a rage. Then she hit it again. And again. And again. The poor steering wheel....it now has craters instead of just missing paint. We turned in the driveway and I went in. The house looked like a tornado came through and a tsunami came by to finish it off. My mother was not happy. Neither was I. Jon, in his "I'm-going-to-impress-heather" state, told me that he ran all 4 miles to my house. Good going Jon. I'm impressed. Here's your biscuit. Now sit....good doggy. After what seemed an eternity, he said he was going to head back, and wanted to know if I wanted to tag along. "Sureee." After all, I have a cold, why not walk out all the available air in my lungs and maybe that will help. He continued to try and make me jealous halfway there. Then talked about his "manhood" the rest of the way there and informed me of how big it was. No Jon...I have unfortunately had the opportunity to know what the size of you "manhood" is and it's nowhere near what you describe.

He bit me. The idiot actually bit me. I couldn't believe it...but there it was. His teeth marks outlined in my skin with a nice bruised ring in the middle. Oh no. He was not getting away with it. If he was as large as he wished he was...it was nowhere near that size by the time I was done with it. I threw him to the floor, slammed my knee into it and leaned in with my full body weight. In short, I compacted the mug. Men...beware....

I woke up today and I knew good things were going to happen soon. It's about time...

It's sad when you dream about reading comments on your blog. Mine were none too appealing to read however. The reoccuring name they all seemed to call me was "faggot". I think I need a life. Actually, I know I do. But I will probably never attain such a thing because in this tiny town that goal is practically unattainable. On another note, my friend Pam...wonderful person. I just read her survey thing she sent back to me. I had no idea she thought of me the way she did. I would give her a hug if I gave hugs. See...I'm becoming a sap already.

Dogs are disgusting animals. They want you to see their prize and rejoice, no matter how wretched. I think Sonne has the ability to find the most decomposed of the dead animal collection and bring them in the house when I'm not looking. Today I was blessed with a rat and a bird. Both of which decomposed so much they looked more like giant sticks that smelled a whole lot worse.

Once you hide a secret so long....you eventually have no desire to tell it...

I guess we're all born with a limit. I was foolish enough to believe I was the exception. Call it punishment, call it fate, call it what you will, but today I reached mine. I guess that's the price I have to pay for holding everything inside. It all waits for the perfect moment then hits you all at once. Then you find yourself on the floor crying in the fetal position and wondering what you did to make God hate you so much. It's those random outbursts I guess that help me. One every year and I'm fine, although today's was a little bit more extreme. There's got to be a reason for everything. Even if I never find out what that reason is....i can always try. Just when I thought I had a straight road to travel, I come to a fork. No matter...one must continue on, for that is the price we pay to be one of the living. There's a song that applies to the way I feel that keeps going around and around...over and over...looping through my brain in a never-ending almost punishing cycle. Unfortunately, it's in Japanese...but I will post the translation. "Suteki Da Ne?". "Isn't it wonderful" indeed.

My heart swims
Toward words gathered by the wind
My voiced sprints
To a tomorrow carried by clouds

My heart trembles
In a mirror where the moon sways
My soft tears fall
Along with shooting stars

Wouldn't it be wonderful
If we could walk together hand in hand?
How I wish I could go
To your town, to your home, to your arms

Safe against your chest,
Lost in the early night,
I dream

The wind stops
And your words are a kind illusion
Clouds part
And tomorrow is a distant voice

My heart flows
In a mirror where the moon spreads
Tears I can't conceal fall
While the stars tremble

Wouldn't it be wonderful
If we could walk together hand in hand?
How I wish I could go
To your town, to your home, to your arms

Softly touching your face,
I dream a dream that will melt in the morning

I used to believe in something. A purpose...a cause...and then I realized the only purpose or cause is the simple truth that there isn't one. We wander about aimlessly hoping for something that gives us a thrill. But, in reality, there is no thrill but the search of the thrill itself. I thought about the past. Why I stopped laughing. Why everyone says I don't smile enough...even though they say that right after calling me the accursed nickname "smiley". Maybe the answer is I missed the past so much I tried to remain in it. While my mind did, the world did not. Now I face a new realization that needs a response and I still don't want to give it one. I know I'm not depressed...so that's not the issue. I'm not crazy...but sometimes I wish I was. The only true way to stay sane is to go insane. The world would do well to remember that.

I'm changing the format of my blogs to coincide with my continuing obsession of Final Fantasy X. The new format is a narration style of things. So...enjoy my random thoughts of nothingness from here on out...

In case no one has been listening and I need to say it again...I'm joining the Army. Actually I already have joined but I'm on "delayed training". Which means they're working me to death to lose 40 pounds because they're gay and listed me as 5'6" instead of 5'11" which takes my allowable weight down drastically. I tried to tell them it was obvious I wasn't that short, but nooo. No one listens to me. When I get my uniform and the drill sergeant yells at them because it's 5 inches too short, they'll listen then.
I have too much I want to do and not enough time to do it in. I wanna go to Heidelberg, sing, model, be in the Army, be in the CIA, ::coughmarrychristophcough::, go on tour with Rammstein....I wanna do everything. But with the Army, I'll be in Basic Training (or "the boot camp from hell" as I call it) for 9 weeks, and then stationed in Monterey, California for a year to learn Linguistics (mmm....beach...) and then who knows where I'll be for the next 6-7 years. They'll station me anywhere they want. That means I'll be 25-26 by the time I get out...then I'll go to Heidelberg for another 4 years so I'll be 29-30 by the time I get done with that. Then I have to join the CIA no later than my 36th birthday...so...I could sing for 6 years, but who wants to do that for that short of an amount of time? I don't know, I'll figure out a way to get it all in. I know one thing though....before I die Pam and I have to take over the world. haha.

~~~"Life is not about how many breaths you take, but how many times it takes your breath away."

I'm wearing Jon's little bracelet thing. Actually it's black and blue stretchy bands. (my favorite colors muahaha) I stole it from him, and he apparently doesn't care. See...he's coo' like that. I got 2 backrubs out of him at least. I think I'll blackmail him for a backrub more often.

I was at a restaurant tonight. The waitress hates me...but I really don't care because I hate her even moreso. I sat there for 15 minutes while she looked at me with the "I hope you die" look and continued to take the orders of other customers who came in, but neglected me. Finally, it came down to me having to leave within 3 minutes, so my Mom came in and I told her to order me something to go and then I left. She called me later telling me what happened, that the manager had fussed at her in front of the whole place, calling me a liar and everything else. Jon wouldn't let me go back there because he said he didn't want to have to go bail me out of jail, but I prevailed. I went up there and told him what I thought of him, his waitress, and his place, and then left determined to get the place shut down. You do not make me mad. That's just all there is to it.

I decided to catch up on Pam's blog and noticed she had a slogan generator. Well I put my name into the handy-dandy machine and what is the first thing that came up? "Heather really satisfies!" Why is the slogan generator all up in my personal kool-aid?! However, I must say I do agree...lol but anyway...I thought I would add in more for your viewing pleasure.....

I'm not Just the Heather, I'm a Member.

You've Always Got Time For Heather.

My Goodness, My Heather!

Washing Machines Live Longer With Heather. (Note from Editor: This one is probably true because I've never washed a pile of laundry in my entire 18 years of existence)

Heather Not Included. (Editor's Note: Exactly. My services are extra.)

3-in-1 Protection for your Heather. (Another editor's note: Maximum breakage protection)

An Army of Heather. (Yet another editor's note: Yes, with the slacking economy, the government decided to send over 59,293,238,928,281,610 flowers of Heather to oust Saddam Houssain)

Probably The Best Heather In The World. (Editor's note yet again: Dang skippy)

Things Go Better with Heather. (Another editor's note: ditto)

Splash Heather All Over. (No comment)

Your Flexible Heather.

Do The Heather. (Editor's note: LMAOOOOO)

Top Breeders Recommend Heather. (Editor's note number 29385723985732: Woof)

Taste the Heather.

Got a Heather? You're in Luck.

Exceedingly Good Heather.

There's no Wrong Way to Eat a Heather. (No comment on this one either)

The Biggest Heather Pennies Can Buy. (Editor's note: I think it just called me cheap and fat)

Heather Prevents That Sinking Feeling. (all you have to do is lighten the load from the wallet to solve the problem)

Australians Wouldn't Give A Heather For Anything Else. (Editor's note again: I just had to include this one...because.......australians.....mmmmmmm)

Ho Ho Ho, Green Heather. (WHO'S IT CALLIN' A HO?!)

(Editor's note: More will come later)

Ah....my not so triumphant return to the blog world. What is there to say? Well....first of all.....let me start up controversy by saying why I think we should go to war....
Questionnaire's are designed to confuse. To portray things....sometimes as a reality, sometimes as factoids based upon popular opinion or news clippings taped to the bathroom wall and pooled over for amusement. My friend Pam recently sent me one of these things. It, of course, was designed to make you scream,"PEACE! BE STILL!" rendering our wonderful President helpless to deny us the right of peace. Don't get me wrong....peace is great. I'm not dissing it. But let us dwell on these factoids...1. We do not know everything the President knows. They hide it from us purposely. They have stopped over 100 terror attacks since September 11th and did the American public know about them? No, I don't think so. But of course Bush only gets the goring and not the glory. If Bush says,"We need to go to war." Then more than likely he has a valid reason for stating that and we would be so scared of his reason we would wet ourselves. And don't give me any of that "He just wants the oil" crap. If we want oil, we'll drill Alaska or we'll get it from somewhere else. Bush has a reason for doing what he does and who cares what France thinks about it? If we don't stop him, it will be like Hitler in WWII. He will dominate one country, then start extending his borders and you know what the rest of the world will say about it? "Why didn't America do something?" And you know why they'll say that? Because they always do. We go in and settle a problem and the world says,"Why does America meddle in affairs that are not their own?" We don't go in and settle a problem and the world says,"Why didn't America do something?" So either way we are going to be the bull's eye of the world. Who cares? I don't.
Now that I've said that...let us move on. I do apologize for not blessing you with my random blogging, but I've been detained with my best friend Jon. Being that I do have a lovely fetish for Germans, it's only fitting that I hang out with him......a lot......:) We're going next weekend to get a tattoo. Just so you know. It's freezing outside with snow and ice on the ground so my thoughts are not connecting. Therefore this random blog is done. Goodnight.

Most of everything that's happened I have unfortunately forgotten to bless you with knowing about it. I do remember one thing though. My Dad almost shot a burglar. It was quite amusing and I thoroughly enjoyed it. As far as tonight goes, I got a new dress for my modeling graduation. It's two-color red and black. muahahaha. I walked around for hours in 3 inch high heels. Finally I hurt so bad that while we were walking in the parking lot (need I also add it was 17 degrees outside and snow is still blessing us with its presence), I finally just took my shoes off and ran barefoot through the snow covered parking lot singing,"BOOOOOOOORNNNNN FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!! FREEEEEEEE AS THE WIIIIIIIIIIND BLOWS!!!" I amused myself....but it doesn't take much to do that....

Why have I never noticed the beauty of winter? As I stood outside looking out over the pond and viewing the sunset with Christoph's song for me blaring into my ears, I wondered why I have never noticed the beauty of winter before. Maybe it was the hauntingly gorgeousness of his voice...or the song itself. Maybe it was the sunset that could have never been painted. No picture would have done it justice. Who knows....for whatever reason, be it unknown, I now have a new appreciation for Winter. On an unrelated note: I wish I lived in The Lord of the Rings. I would take Legolas downnnnnnnn rarrrrr. And on another unrelated note: My dog's butt looks like a bull's-eye.

Most interesting thing that happened today: (and the only thing that happened today) My dog caught my underwear on fire. Unfortunately not the pair still residing beside the steps. But it's okay now because he's peed at the bottom of the steps so many times no one will approach them. Problem solved. Why quit being lazy when you can just have your dog pee in front of it so no one will notice? He also peed on my computer wires today...badddddddd dog. Or as I call him when he destroys everything...Bad Hitler, bad! Moving on...

My aunt is so bad now she really doesn't know what she's saying. My mom and I asked her if she wanted to be moved back against the pillow and we thought she said,"No" but mom asked her again to make sure and she responded with,"yes, come on, we're women we can do it." So we pulled her back and then she started looking around and said,"....where are my dang tissues?'' and just then her husband came in and made some long speech about how he was taking care of her and blah blah blah and she said,"......well you're not doing a very good job...." Now, granted, all this would have probably been much funnier if you could have heard her say it.

We didn't have a New Year's or a Christmas. How lovely. I hold out so much hope for 2003. NOT.


~~~~"You are the ringbearer. To have the ring is to be alone."

We really didn't have Christmas this year. I did get that German diplomat training thing I wanted, but with my aunt dying,
it's kind of hard to celebrate. I must still order my one ring though, muahaha.

I have a secret no one knows
I hide it well, but sometimes it shows
A living lie, a powerful fear
Every truth is forgotten here
Worlds are created where none should have been
The truth comes out, but is buried again
Under more and more lies that breed from pain
A promise forgotten, lost in the flame
I have failed you where I swore I would not
Left you alone and left memories to rot
For a precious second I admit the truth
Writing it down so it is safe from you
So close are the words upon my lips
But instead I write them from my fingertips
Then I throw the words into the fire
Burning with my own foolish desire
To live a life that is not my own
But I must go on so no one knows

The guys at the Police Station are crazy. When they get together they can never be serious. I was looking through the books where they list what calls they've had during a shift and someone listed a woman as "Psycho chick". There were "job ads" listed for drunk/drug junkies such as "Lil' Daddy is available to speak in schools to tell children about drugs. He requires payment in Crank or equivilent." Someone had also marked "Anthrax" on the sugar container and drawn on the people on the FBI Most wanted list.

Then again, some people are just as stupid. The Medicine Shoppe was broken into the other day. The robber broke the window pane and simply unlocked the door and walked in. The owner walked toward the door with a cardboard box lid and some scotch tape. The detective asked him what he was doing and the owner replied,"oh, I'm securing the door." Yeah, real secure. He finally settled on the cardboard box top and duct tape. People in this town impress me to a degree of stupidity I have never experienced before.

A friend from our church came a few days ago. Unfortunately there my underwear still lay. Yes, quite embarrassing because it still lays there. I have a puppy now who likes to urinate all over the floor whenever possible. I am not amused. He found my underwear laying beside the steps the other day. Then he proceeded to pick it up, flinging it around wildly for all the world to see. I tried to chase him, but to no avail. As of yet, I have no clue where my underwear is. He also stole my bra this morning, put it on his head, and dashed off into the yard in front of everyone. I was once again not amused. I feel like I have post-natal depression. Yes, life sucks.

It is many, many days later. I have come to yet another realization: A man from our church has stopped by the house with his fairly attractive son and there, beside the steps, sits my pair of underwear. Unmoved. I live a sad life indeed if I cannot get up off my lazy butt and remove that underwear to save myself further embarrassment. Yes, I am lazy indeed.

I went to Barbizon Sunday. Quite fun I must say. I will never get why guys flirt with you in hopes of "scoring" when it's obvious they excel in pouring comments on thick like concrete but lack the substances necessary to make it solid. No, no they are devious yet stupid. The more I resist, the more they follow. When will they learn I may be a model, but that does not make me dim-witted and brainless. Yes, young patowan, you still have much to learn. And since when do you kiss somebody by making your lips shrink as if you've just won a chugging contest with lemon juice?

I have nothing else to say for once. I was thinking the other night....you know...I'm doing pretty well for myself and I'm a great person. Oh no...no self-esteem problems here :) And on an unrelated note: I'M GETTING A GERMAN SHEPHERD PUPPY! Christoph would be proud muahaha.

At this moment in time at 4:40 A.M. I am currently pondering 3 things.

1.) Why I have not noticed a pair of my underwear laying beside the front steps? Judging from the cobwebs it has been there for quite some time. Coming up the steps this morning something just happened to catch my eye. What could it be, you ponder? Why nothing but a pair of my underwear broadcasting itself for all the world to see. Many people had been by our house by this point so there's no telling how many people came by and saw that and thought we lived like bottom dwellers. How most unfortunate for me. At of yet, I have not moved my ego deflating embarrassment (a.k.a underwear) I guess I shall have to attend to such duties before I go to bed and someone (else) important comes by and notices.

2.) Why is it that you feel most at peace in the early morning hours in the frigid temperatures freezing your butt off because you didn't put on enough layers? The world may never know...

3.) Why is my ice cream melting all over my keyboard? Biting into it is like biting into a telephone pole it's so frozen, but yet....here it melts to take sticky prints off my fingers when I type. I must eat it to solve this problem....

Have you ever noticed how children talk to themselves? They would not make good mayors and I have a reason behind such a statement. While driving to Spartanburg, Brent amused himself by playing "Sims City 3000" on my laptop. I would hear him occassionally read out what the Sims were saying, and then if a comment made him mad enough, he would either put a disaster on them or raise taxes. Within 5 minutes the city was practically leveled and taxes were up to 22%. I will now recreate the timespan he spent talking with himself.....

"Woahhhhhhhh Heather check out this city! It has 2 million people in it! What? I'm spending $350,000 a month on them? Oh no.....some of this stuff has to go. ::proceeds to uncheck neccessary things. Water/waste/etc.:: Let's see....homeless shelters....they cost too much....out they go. What? My Sims are protesting! Wellll....it's time for a....::evil grin:: NATURAL DISASTER!!! ::makes tornado noises as the tornado demolishes the city then laughs hysterically:: HEATHER LOOK AT THEM RUN! LOOK! AHAHAHAHAHAH! Ok time for an earthquake!" at which point I reply,"It's a good thing you're not God." He started to say something but then said,"HEY LOOK! THE MOTHERSHIP! It's attacking the city how cool is that?!" Then he set a nuclear power plant between the famous land marks (of course the mothership hit the power plants and that blew everything within a 25 mile radius up) What was left he set on fire. Then what few Sims were left started a riot and started throwing trashcans and debris. Yes....such a lovely world they live in.

Whatever else I was going to say....I forgot....

I saw the bootleg version of "8 Mile" tonight. While the audio (the bootleg's fault) and the meaning
(The writer's fault) were hard to make out, I sat through it anyway wishing it was over. Don't get me wrong,
I do agree with Pam in the fact that Marshall is a good actor. But as far as the movie goes, I wasn't really
that impressed. Let me tell you why.

1.) I don't enjoy sex scenes. I would rather not waste time watching two people do each other. And no,
don't come back at me with some crack-headed comment like,"oh, Heather, it's art." It's not art, it's sex.
If it was art there would be "Da Vinci" stamped on someone's butt or something. I think people's bodies
need to be kept to themselves and their significant other, not to the whole world. And the scene can pretty
much go unnoticed if it's quick and over witih. But on and on and on these two people went at it. They're
screwing like dogs in heat, I GET IT ALREADY! Where did it fit with the plot?

2.) Not that much more had been achieved at the end than in the beginning. Okay, the man won the contest.
That's great. Kudos to him. I'm glad he finally got the nerve up and didn't get "choked". But he was still no
further along. He still lived in a trailor, still worked his butt off, still had no dreams materialize, etc etc. The
only thing accomplished was him getting over his stage fright and winning a contest that he even said he
didn't care about winning anyway.

and I don't really enjoy movies with trailor trash people in them. At least not if they stay that way through
the whole movie. Not to say that he was trailor trash...his mother was. And she was a dead-beat no count
mother and the only way she tried to fix it was to win bingo. Yes, that changes everything....not...

Nothing aggravates me more than people honking the horn. I don't understand why it was even
invented. Yesterday I was walking downtown Atlanta to eat dinner with my cousin and her husband (
who are in the CIA might I add.) and every single person on the freaking road was honking the horn.
There was apparently no reason for the loud obnoxious hand slap against the rubber that makes that
noise...so eventually I became so frustrated I screamed,"SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!!" as loud as I could to at
least 750 people. Everyone stopped. Then they began randomly honking the horn at poor little me
standing infuriated on the sidewalk. I informed them that they should read between the lines and left
it at that.

My uncle is a funny guy. I never really knew that. He came back to America to be with my aunt and it
was supposed to be a surprise. Of course my great-aunt told her (as usual) and he starting railing to
whoever would hear. He said (in an extremely thick British accent),"I would like to inquire why she told
Angela about me being here and I would love to see her go dry for excuses while I railed at her in my
sexy attractive English accent!" Then we got to talking about careers and being positive and modeling
and so forth and so on. Mom told him she thought he should be a model. To which I quipped,"Oh
yeah. A Calvin Klein underwear model!" and he said,"oh my God no....I'm way too sexy to graze the
cover of a magazine. Why think of all the accidents it would cause!" ...no comment and moving on.
He's also very blunt too. I mentioned to him that I needed to shave and he said,"Ah, growing well then
are we? Or just trying to see if the 'goat look' is fashionable?" I would laugh if that were funny.

On another note, my best friend Lori and I have decided to take it upon ourselves to become fluent
in German. Once that language has been attained into our simple, yet extremely brilliant minds we will
continue on to the University of Heidelberg in...where else...Germany. There we will become better
than all of you. Guten tag.

PS Last and official name change: Nele Renatae Ulrich

I'm here in Atlanta. My aunt is dying of cancer and only has a few days left. I broke
my glasses. I broke my brand new contact. I am not happy.

I didn't know what hospital they took my aunt to, then I found out she was at Emory.
I went to Emory hospital only to find out that there were two Emory hospitals and the
one I was at was not the one she was at. I had to walk up two flights of the parking
garage, walk to the other side of the building, go up an elevator, walk down another
walkway to find this out. Then I had to run to make it on time because it costs if you
are in the parking lot for more than 15 minutes. Lucky me. It was pretty much the
same thing at the other hospital. But I did find something interesting. People in
Atlanta can't give directions for crap! I got lost more times than I knew was possible.
At the hospital we found out the news on my aunt. My uncle is still in a state of "If I
believe it will happen, it will happen" and is therefore refusing to accepted the fact
she has a limited time left. She was hallucinating and talking about a big pipe that
said,"big wompum" on it.

On my frustrating voyage of being lost, I came to stop light that refused to change.
I became so mad I started honking at the light knowing it wouldn't hear me but doing
it anyway. I felt better temporarily.

Someone who thinks I'm her friend calls wanted me to take her somewhere. I told
her earlier that I was in Atlanta and reminded her again of where I was. She then
proceeded to ask me how long it would take me to get back home. Ah...stupidity is
such a hard disease to cure.

On an unrelated note: my blog is screwed up and I am not happy.

Along with Wal-Mart, I also hate the system. Yes that law-making system that has nothing better to
do. "I just want you to be safe." the pug-looking policeman said to me. I was the only car around
for miles. Okay, MILES. I could have slammed straight through the concrete median and still not hit
anyone. I went to court today. He cut it down to 2 points and $52. I appreciate that but I would
rather him just take it all off! RARRRR!!! You know if I was a bad person I would have any job I
wanted, and come out virtually unscathed in anything.

Deep thinking has the ability to hurt one's brain. It would be much easier if I had no brain and no
heart. Much like the tin man. My new ambition in life: to become the tin man. Sometimes life is
great. Sometimes all of a sudden you feel like you been body-slammed to the ground and a big fat
man is sitting on you prohibiting your breathing and movement (or lack thereof). But, we move on
because we must. We stumble and struggle trying to make sense of it all, but I wonder....is it ever
supposed to make sense? Possibly not. Nothing happens for free and nothing comes without
determination. This is life...it comes to you and says,"ich hab euch etwas mitgebracht, hab es aus
meiner Brust gerissen." But do not be fooled. It lies to you and has brought you nothing.

PS Semper Fi, mein liebe, Semper Fi

I hate Wal-Mart. I really do. If it was on fire, I would shoot the tires out of the fire truck so it couldn't get there and sit back in a recliner (stolen from Wal-Mart) and watch the blaze. Oh, and steal some marshmallows so I could roast them. Muahaha. I tried to return my Episode II DVD because Wal-Mart only carried the Wide-Screen Version, and I didn't know they even made a Full-Screen Version until I went to the mall and saw it. It was also 5 dollars cheaper. Of course Wal-Mart wouldn't take it back. Rarrrrrrrr

I went to Circuit City to put in an application. I guess the jobs you are meant for ask the most questions. I had to filll out a 6 page form, signing that I would allow them to check my credit, give me a lie detector test, etc, etc. Then I had to fill out a 98 question form that asked the same question on more than one occasion. On my way out I met some redneck women. If as if they even resemble anything close to women. I think they were trying to say something to offend me...(they're just jealous cause....in the words of the Nicole...."OH MAH GOODNESS TITTIES AND TEETH! NEVER SEEN THEM COMBINED!")...and this isn't the first time any redneck has tried to say something derogatory towards me even when it doesn't make sense. But they don't succeed very often if they do want to offend me since deficient articulation due to lack of teeth prevents me from hearing the content of the offending comment. Still, however, they try.

Germans, Southerners, Indians, and Christians are always the butt of Hollywood. Fortunately for me I am all 4. So I am allowed to be offended more often. Germans are usually portrayed as Hitler-devoted Nazi Fascists, even though most of them are not. They are some of the most hard-working, close to perfect people out there. (did I mention extremely good looking?) Southerners are always portrayed as the redneck loser retard who is prejudice towards everyone and everything. That's not even close. (rednecks are another story...but...) Just because you are southern does not make you a retard, a redneck, a loser, or anyone dificient in vocabulary. So shutup with the whole prejudice thing and rebel flag. The rebel flag stands for all the men who fought and died in the war. It's official name is the "confederate flag" for a reason. Heritage, not hate. If you don't agree, I live here so SIT DOWN AND SHUTUP. No one I know is prejudice. Everyone gets along just fine. If you want to talk about slavery, the north sold slaves to the south. What now? And you were not a slave and I never owned slaves so I DON'T OWE YOU AN APOLOGY. Indians are usually viewed as scalpers, blood thirsty and devoid of emotion. Again, not true. Some of them were like that. But as I say....I am part indian and I have never killed, scalped, ripped someone's heart out, drank their blood, etc. Christians are usually viewed as weak, helpless idiots who rant and rave to the stars as if they were cavemen. I know some who are a little bit on the extreme side, but we are not all like that. (99.99% of us.) Some of the coolest people you'll ever meet are Christian. Deal with it. The reason for this ranting is I watched "Windtalkers" last night. Good movie except for that man they had play a Southerner. Complete with backwoods accent, prejudice, and idiocy. I am not amused.

On a final note, I have a new quote. "Sigmund Freud....ANALYZE THIS! ::BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yes, I am aware I just sounded like a redneck, but my only bad habit is burping and it is not done in fancy places. At least I don't fart like the rest of the population. I rest my case.

I only have one thing to say really. "I'm not afraid to die. I've been dying a little everyday since you came into my life."

Imran thinks I need a mentor. I think I need mentally challeneged adults to stop trying to fix what doesn't need be fixed. In short, I am annoyed that I am not allowed to live my life the way I want to live it because people think I should be the cookie-cutter idea of a certain way/person. I'm trying to get him or my aunt to take me to get a tattoo but they won't because they are scared of what my mother will think. Well too bad. I'm getting one anyway. I will find the tattoo place myself. It is time for me to live and LIVE is what I will do! MUAHAHAHA!

I was coming out of the marta station the other day. This is where I found that the saying,"you can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy." Is entirely too true. As I was getting ready to walk down the stairs I discovered a little boy about 3 peeing in a corner. I'm not going to tell what was going through my mind at that point and time. We walked down to the marta and sat down on one of the benches (or concrete slabs) and got wrapped up in a conversation lacking any intelligent speech whatsoever between two women. The conversation was as follows:

Woman 1: Yo.......nigga don't chu be takin' mah phone like da' or imma slap ya.
Woman 2: Whatchu talkin' 'bout nigga i din' touch yo phone!
Woman 1: I seh you betta NOT be tou......::phone rings:: hang on...HELLO? OH HAY BABY! WHERE YOU IS? Where I is? I AT THA TRAIN STATION. OH I SEE YOU! YOU'S ACROSS DA SKREET! GET ON OVER HERE! Okay...I luh' ya...bye bye. ::hangs up and stares as if nothing has happened.::
Woman 2: Who da' was?
Woman 1: aw das jus' mah baby daddy.
Woman 2: yo boyfriend?
Woman 1: no
Woman 2: yo husband?
Woman 1: no thas jus my baby daddy.

My uncle is British. Refined British too. He does not talk like Ozzy Osbourne. It's more...well...cultured. At which point he becomes fascinated with the way they are talking, and in a thick British accent says,"Hey! Look a' tha' brotha' over theh' in the nice hat. That be coo'. He be the man." At which point both ladies look over at him and say,"NO" in the most disbelieving way as if he would ever dare use their accent....or lack thereof. But Imran finds many things fascinating that we do not. Just yesterday he came running in the room saying,"OH LOOK ANGELA! I FOUND A PENCIL SHAHPNAH! HOW EXCEYTING!!!" Sad really...but I love him to death.

I agree with Pam: Wal-mart SUCKS. There were several CD's I wanted to get. (I found plenty of John Mayer by the way.) However, they were sold out of all of what I wanted. They had plenty of what I didn't want, though. I was determined not to leave without a CD. (I'm sorry but I can only take Buck Owens, Johnny Cash, George Jones, and all those other old-time country crooners for so long. Not that I don't like them...I just can't listen to them all night.) I finally decided on one after looking through the entire collection album by album. Yes, every single CD was combed through and given a good inspection by yours truly....and yours truly was not impressed. I then discovered an ad for the new 007 game. Intrigued, I forgot all about the CD I didn't really want anyway and stared at the T.V. screen in stupified awe. I spent 30 minutes trying to find the game, finally coming to the conclusion it wasn't out yet. I tried to catch one of the staff to ask them, but they spotted me and would scatter like flies on dead meat anytime I got within 120 feet. After running around the whole store, I finally caught one. She conveniently did not have the list with her. Note to self: Ban Wal-Mart.

I got back to the police station just in time to watch in horror as one policeman put in "40 Days and 40 Nights". I tried to think nice thoughts about the movie, but the only coherent thought that was distinguishable was,"This movie sucks." That and,"Must....escape..." Being more of an action movie person myself, I can take the occasional romantic movie. This was nothing but pure stupidity. If you like the movie, I don't care because it's stupid. Pam is going to comment on this I'm sure because I'm about to say the only movie worse than this one was "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back". The plot....."do not have sex for 40 days and 40 nights." How pathetic is that and how pathetic is the person who has to make a deal for favor with God that he won't have sex for 40 days and 40 nights? Does he think God is stupid? Did the director think we are stupid? More than likely so. I do not find this sort of plot entertaining in the least bit. His masturbational fantasies, complete with former sex visions and what not did not interest me. Point being: It's just stupid. I can only take so many cuss words in one movie. Every so often I can deal with I don't really care, but every other word just shows their ignorance because they have nothing else to say. Movies like that are written by people with no brain who cannot think up normal decent dialogue so they throw in words that fit to make it minimum standard time so they can have their name out there in Hollywood because their daddy is a rich man and IF YOU DON'T WATCH THEIR MOVIE HE WILL FIRE YOU! With that said....I'm going to bed now....

I'm always thinking of you then...

Ok change that. It makes more sense for the character to be German since I'm learning German....hmmm...I don't knowww. Comment and I'll take a poll. Should i play a German or Russian? And nobody better say both.

I've decided that my character in my movie is going to be Russian. Well...not really Russian...but you would have to read it to understand and I'm not going to let you read it. You'll have to watch it. MUAHAHAHAHHA

Right now as I sit here at 4:52 A.M., coming in from riding 3rd shift....I am strangely at peace. Whether it be the chill of the night air, the thrill of the danger, or some other unknown force...I am finally at peace again. I have not felt this way in a long time and I'm going to throw it a welcome home party. Whatever comes, right now I can take it. (However I don't suggest any dark forces try and hold me to that.)

I did nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I love Halloween. The only time of year when I can dress up like my idol and not be stared at. Okay well I was still stared at, but that's beside the point. Who is my idol you ask? The terminator. Yes....the terminator. He inspires me. My look came complete with black trenchcoat, blood oozing metal hand, black everything (and vinyl shiny black pants), bullets linked together around my shoulder down my back, and my face partially covered in metal with blood so lifelike many people screamed and jumped back when they saw it. Before you decide to get cocky and try to inflate your head more by saying,"uh derr....I bet that was because it was you they were looking at..." it was not. Because once they realized it was fake, they were like,"::gasp:: but that looks so real.....can I touch it just to make sure?" err....no. But anyway...I loved it. I took Brent trick-or-treating. He had a scream mask on that dripped blood. In case you haven't noticed, we're obsessed with death, blood, gore and whatever else. That was about the extent of my fun today. I wanted to spray my hair in blacklight paint, but I forgot...so I shall do that some other time.

~~~Hier kommt die Sonne