Once you hide a secret so long....you eventually have no desire to tell it...

I guess we're all born with a limit. I was foolish enough to believe I was the exception. Call it punishment, call it fate, call it what you will, but today I reached mine. I guess that's the price I have to pay for holding everything inside. It all waits for the perfect moment then hits you all at once. Then you find yourself on the floor crying in the fetal position and wondering what you did to make God hate you so much. It's those random outbursts I guess that help me. One every year and I'm fine, although today's was a little bit more extreme. There's got to be a reason for everything. Even if I never find out what that reason is....i can always try. Just when I thought I had a straight road to travel, I come to a fork. No matter...one must continue on, for that is the price we pay to be one of the living. There's a song that applies to the way I feel that keeps going around and around...over and over...looping through my brain in a never-ending almost punishing cycle. Unfortunately, it's in Japanese...but I will post the translation. "Suteki Da Ne?". "Isn't it wonderful" indeed.

My heart swims
Toward words gathered by the wind
My voiced sprints
To a tomorrow carried by clouds

My heart trembles
In a mirror where the moon sways
My soft tears fall
Along with shooting stars

Wouldn't it be wonderful
If we could walk together hand in hand?
How I wish I could go
To your town, to your home, to your arms

Safe against your chest,
Lost in the early night,
I dream

The wind stops
And your words are a kind illusion
Clouds part
And tomorrow is a distant voice

My heart flows
In a mirror where the moon spreads
Tears I can't conceal fall
While the stars tremble

Wouldn't it be wonderful
If we could walk together hand in hand?
How I wish I could go
To your town, to your home, to your arms

Softly touching your face,
I dream a dream that will melt in the morning

I used to believe in something. A purpose...a cause...and then I realized the only purpose or cause is the simple truth that there isn't one. We wander about aimlessly hoping for something that gives us a thrill. But, in reality, there is no thrill but the search of the thrill itself. I thought about the past. Why I stopped laughing. Why everyone says I don't smile enough...even though they say that right after calling me the accursed nickname "smiley". Maybe the answer is I missed the past so much I tried to remain in it. While my mind did, the world did not. Now I face a new realization that needs a response and I still don't want to give it one. I know I'm not depressed...so that's not the issue. I'm not crazy...but sometimes I wish I was. The only true way to stay sane is to go insane. The world would do well to remember that.

I'm changing the format of my blogs to coincide with my continuing obsession of Final Fantasy X. The new format is a narration style of things. So...enjoy my random thoughts of nothingness from here on out...

In case no one has been listening and I need to say it again...I'm joining the Army. Actually I already have joined but I'm on "delayed training". Which means they're working me to death to lose 40 pounds because they're gay and listed me as 5'6" instead of 5'11" which takes my allowable weight down drastically. I tried to tell them it was obvious I wasn't that short, but nooo. No one listens to me. When I get my uniform and the drill sergeant yells at them because it's 5 inches too short, they'll listen then.
I have too much I want to do and not enough time to do it in. I wanna go to Heidelberg, sing, model, be in the Army, be in the CIA, ::coughmarrychristophcough::, go on tour with Rammstein....I wanna do everything. But with the Army, I'll be in Basic Training (or "the boot camp from hell" as I call it) for 9 weeks, and then stationed in Monterey, California for a year to learn Linguistics (mmm....beach...) and then who knows where I'll be for the next 6-7 years. They'll station me anywhere they want. That means I'll be 25-26 by the time I get out...then I'll go to Heidelberg for another 4 years so I'll be 29-30 by the time I get done with that. Then I have to join the CIA no later than my 36th birthday...so...I could sing for 6 years, but who wants to do that for that short of an amount of time? I don't know, I'll figure out a way to get it all in. I know one thing though....before I die Pam and I have to take over the world. haha.

~~~"Life is not about how many breaths you take, but how many times it takes your breath away."

I'm wearing Jon's little bracelet thing. Actually it's black and blue stretchy bands. (my favorite colors muahaha) I stole it from him, and he apparently doesn't care. See...he's coo' like that. I got 2 backrubs out of him at least. I think I'll blackmail him for a backrub more often.

I was at a restaurant tonight. The waitress hates me...but I really don't care because I hate her even moreso. I sat there for 15 minutes while she looked at me with the "I hope you die" look and continued to take the orders of other customers who came in, but neglected me. Finally, it came down to me having to leave within 3 minutes, so my Mom came in and I told her to order me something to go and then I left. She called me later telling me what happened, that the manager had fussed at her in front of the whole place, calling me a liar and everything else. Jon wouldn't let me go back there because he said he didn't want to have to go bail me out of jail, but I prevailed. I went up there and told him what I thought of him, his waitress, and his place, and then left determined to get the place shut down. You do not make me mad. That's just all there is to it.

I decided to catch up on Pam's blog and noticed she had a slogan generator. Well I put my name into the handy-dandy machine and what is the first thing that came up? "Heather really satisfies!" Why is the slogan generator all up in my personal kool-aid?! However, I must say I do agree...lol but anyway...I thought I would add in more for your viewing pleasure.....

I'm not Just the Heather, I'm a Member.

You've Always Got Time For Heather.

My Goodness, My Heather!

Washing Machines Live Longer With Heather. (Note from Editor: This one is probably true because I've never washed a pile of laundry in my entire 18 years of existence)

Heather Not Included. (Editor's Note: Exactly. My services are extra.)

3-in-1 Protection for your Heather. (Another editor's note: Maximum breakage protection)

An Army of Heather. (Yet another editor's note: Yes, with the slacking economy, the government decided to send over 59,293,238,928,281,610 flowers of Heather to oust Saddam Houssain)

Probably The Best Heather In The World. (Editor's note yet again: Dang skippy)

Things Go Better with Heather. (Another editor's note: ditto)

Splash Heather All Over. (No comment)

Your Flexible Heather.

Do The Heather. (Editor's note: LMAOOOOO)

Top Breeders Recommend Heather. (Editor's note number 29385723985732: Woof)

Taste the Heather.

Got a Heather? You're in Luck.

Exceedingly Good Heather.

There's no Wrong Way to Eat a Heather. (No comment on this one either)

The Biggest Heather Pennies Can Buy. (Editor's note: I think it just called me cheap and fat)

Heather Prevents That Sinking Feeling. (all you have to do is lighten the load from the wallet to solve the problem)

Australians Wouldn't Give A Heather For Anything Else. (Editor's note again: I just had to include this one...because.......australians.....mmmmmmm)

Ho Ho Ho, Green Heather. (WHO'S IT CALLIN' A HO?!)

(Editor's note: More will come later)

Ah....my not so triumphant return to the blog world. What is there to say? Well....first of all.....let me start up controversy by saying why I think we should go to war....
Questionnaire's are designed to confuse. To portray things....sometimes as a reality, sometimes as factoids based upon popular opinion or news clippings taped to the bathroom wall and pooled over for amusement. My friend Pam recently sent me one of these things. It, of course, was designed to make you scream,"PEACE! BE STILL!" rendering our wonderful President helpless to deny us the right of peace. Don't get me wrong....peace is great. I'm not dissing it. But let us dwell on these factoids...1. We do not know everything the President knows. They hide it from us purposely. They have stopped over 100 terror attacks since September 11th and did the American public know about them? No, I don't think so. But of course Bush only gets the goring and not the glory. If Bush says,"We need to go to war." Then more than likely he has a valid reason for stating that and we would be so scared of his reason we would wet ourselves. And don't give me any of that "He just wants the oil" crap. If we want oil, we'll drill Alaska or we'll get it from somewhere else. Bush has a reason for doing what he does and who cares what France thinks about it? If we don't stop him, it will be like Hitler in WWII. He will dominate one country, then start extending his borders and you know what the rest of the world will say about it? "Why didn't America do something?" And you know why they'll say that? Because they always do. We go in and settle a problem and the world says,"Why does America meddle in affairs that are not their own?" We don't go in and settle a problem and the world says,"Why didn't America do something?" So either way we are going to be the bull's eye of the world. Who cares? I don't.
Now that I've said that...let us move on. I do apologize for not blessing you with my random blogging, but I've been detained with my best friend Jon. Being that I do have a lovely fetish for Germans, it's only fitting that I hang out with him......a lot......:) We're going next weekend to get a tattoo. Just so you know. It's freezing outside with snow and ice on the ground so my thoughts are not connecting. Therefore this random blog is done. Goodnight.

Most of everything that's happened I have unfortunately forgotten to bless you with knowing about it. I do remember one thing though. My Dad almost shot a burglar. It was quite amusing and I thoroughly enjoyed it. As far as tonight goes, I got a new dress for my modeling graduation. It's two-color red and black. muahahaha. I walked around for hours in 3 inch high heels. Finally I hurt so bad that while we were walking in the parking lot (need I also add it was 17 degrees outside and snow is still blessing us with its presence), I finally just took my shoes off and ran barefoot through the snow covered parking lot singing,"BOOOOOOOORNNNNN FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!! FREEEEEEEE AS THE WIIIIIIIIIIND BLOWS!!!" I amused myself....but it doesn't take much to do that....

Why have I never noticed the beauty of winter? As I stood outside looking out over the pond and viewing the sunset with Christoph's song for me blaring into my ears, I wondered why I have never noticed the beauty of winter before. Maybe it was the hauntingly gorgeousness of his voice...or the song itself. Maybe it was the sunset that could have never been painted. No picture would have done it justice. Who knows....for whatever reason, be it unknown, I now have a new appreciation for Winter. On an unrelated note: I wish I lived in The Lord of the Rings. I would take Legolas downnnnnnnn rarrrrr. And on another unrelated note: My dog's butt looks like a bull's-eye.

Most interesting thing that happened today: (and the only thing that happened today) My dog caught my underwear on fire. Unfortunately not the pair still residing beside the steps. But it's okay now because he's peed at the bottom of the steps so many times no one will approach them. Problem solved. Why quit being lazy when you can just have your dog pee in front of it so no one will notice? He also peed on my computer wires today...badddddddd dog. Or as I call him when he destroys everything...Bad Hitler, bad! Moving on...

My aunt is so bad now she really doesn't know what she's saying. My mom and I asked her if she wanted to be moved back against the pillow and we thought she said,"No" but mom asked her again to make sure and she responded with,"yes, come on, we're women we can do it." So we pulled her back and then she started looking around and said,"....where are my dang tissues?'' and just then her husband came in and made some long speech about how he was taking care of her and blah blah blah and she said,"......well you're not doing a very good job...." Now, granted, all this would have probably been much funnier if you could have heard her say it.

We didn't have a New Year's or a Christmas. How lovely. I hold out so much hope for 2003. NOT.


~~~~"You are the ringbearer. To have the ring is to be alone."

We really didn't have Christmas this year. I did get that German diplomat training thing I wanted, but with my aunt dying,
it's kind of hard to celebrate. I must still order my one ring though, muahaha.

I have a secret no one knows
I hide it well, but sometimes it shows
A living lie, a powerful fear
Every truth is forgotten here
Worlds are created where none should have been
The truth comes out, but is buried again
Under more and more lies that breed from pain
A promise forgotten, lost in the flame
I have failed you where I swore I would not
Left you alone and left memories to rot
For a precious second I admit the truth
Writing it down so it is safe from you
So close are the words upon my lips
But instead I write them from my fingertips
Then I throw the words into the fire
Burning with my own foolish desire
To live a life that is not my own
But I must go on so no one knows

The guys at the Police Station are crazy. When they get together they can never be serious. I was looking through the books where they list what calls they've had during a shift and someone listed a woman as "Psycho chick". There were "job ads" listed for drunk/drug junkies such as "Lil' Daddy is available to speak in schools to tell children about drugs. He requires payment in Crank or equivilent." Someone had also marked "Anthrax" on the sugar container and drawn on the people on the FBI Most wanted list.

Then again, some people are just as stupid. The Medicine Shoppe was broken into the other day. The robber broke the window pane and simply unlocked the door and walked in. The owner walked toward the door with a cardboard box lid and some scotch tape. The detective asked him what he was doing and the owner replied,"oh, I'm securing the door." Yeah, real secure. He finally settled on the cardboard box top and duct tape. People in this town impress me to a degree of stupidity I have never experienced before.

A friend from our church came a few days ago. Unfortunately there my underwear still lay. Yes, quite embarrassing because it still lays there. I have a puppy now who likes to urinate all over the floor whenever possible. I am not amused. He found my underwear laying beside the steps the other day. Then he proceeded to pick it up, flinging it around wildly for all the world to see. I tried to chase him, but to no avail. As of yet, I have no clue where my underwear is. He also stole my bra this morning, put it on his head, and dashed off into the yard in front of everyone. I was once again not amused. I feel like I have post-natal depression. Yes, life sucks.

It is many, many days later. I have come to yet another realization: A man from our church has stopped by the house with his fairly attractive son and there, beside the steps, sits my pair of underwear. Unmoved. I live a sad life indeed if I cannot get up off my lazy butt and remove that underwear to save myself further embarrassment. Yes, I am lazy indeed.

I went to Barbizon Sunday. Quite fun I must say. I will never get why guys flirt with you in hopes of "scoring" when it's obvious they excel in pouring comments on thick like concrete but lack the substances necessary to make it solid. No, no they are devious yet stupid. The more I resist, the more they follow. When will they learn I may be a model, but that does not make me dim-witted and brainless. Yes, young patowan, you still have much to learn. And since when do you kiss somebody by making your lips shrink as if you've just won a chugging contest with lemon juice?

I have nothing else to say for once. I was thinking the other night....you know...I'm doing pretty well for myself and I'm a great person. Oh no...no self-esteem problems here :) And on an unrelated note: I'M GETTING A GERMAN SHEPHERD PUPPY! Christoph would be proud muahaha.

At this moment in time at 4:40 A.M. I am currently pondering 3 things.

1.) Why I have not noticed a pair of my underwear laying beside the front steps? Judging from the cobwebs it has been there for quite some time. Coming up the steps this morning something just happened to catch my eye. What could it be, you ponder? Why nothing but a pair of my underwear broadcasting itself for all the world to see. Many people had been by our house by this point so there's no telling how many people came by and saw that and thought we lived like bottom dwellers. How most unfortunate for me. At of yet, I have not moved my ego deflating embarrassment (a.k.a underwear) I guess I shall have to attend to such duties before I go to bed and someone (else) important comes by and notices.

2.) Why is it that you feel most at peace in the early morning hours in the frigid temperatures freezing your butt off because you didn't put on enough layers? The world may never know...

3.) Why is my ice cream melting all over my keyboard? Biting into it is like biting into a telephone pole it's so frozen, but yet....here it melts to take sticky prints off my fingers when I type. I must eat it to solve this problem....

Have you ever noticed how children talk to themselves? They would not make good mayors and I have a reason behind such a statement. While driving to Spartanburg, Brent amused himself by playing "Sims City 3000" on my laptop. I would hear him occassionally read out what the Sims were saying, and then if a comment made him mad enough, he would either put a disaster on them or raise taxes. Within 5 minutes the city was practically leveled and taxes were up to 22%. I will now recreate the timespan he spent talking with himself.....

"Woahhhhhhhh Heather check out this city! It has 2 million people in it! What? I'm spending $350,000 a month on them? Oh no.....some of this stuff has to go. ::proceeds to uncheck neccessary things. Water/waste/etc.:: Let's see....homeless shelters....they cost too much....out they go. What? My Sims are protesting! Wellll....it's time for a....::evil grin:: NATURAL DISASTER!!! ::makes tornado noises as the tornado demolishes the city then laughs hysterically:: HEATHER LOOK AT THEM RUN! LOOK! AHAHAHAHAHAH! Ok time for an earthquake!" at which point I reply,"It's a good thing you're not God." He started to say something but then said,"HEY LOOK! THE MOTHERSHIP! It's attacking the city how cool is that?!" Then he set a nuclear power plant between the famous land marks (of course the mothership hit the power plants and that blew everything within a 25 mile radius up) What was left he set on fire. Then what few Sims were left started a riot and started throwing trashcans and debris. Yes....such a lovely world they live in.

Whatever else I was going to say....I forgot....

I saw the bootleg version of "8 Mile" tonight. While the audio (the bootleg's fault) and the meaning
(The writer's fault) were hard to make out, I sat through it anyway wishing it was over. Don't get me wrong,
I do agree with Pam in the fact that Marshall is a good actor. But as far as the movie goes, I wasn't really
that impressed. Let me tell you why.

1.) I don't enjoy sex scenes. I would rather not waste time watching two people do each other. And no,
don't come back at me with some crack-headed comment like,"oh, Heather, it's art." It's not art, it's sex.
If it was art there would be "Da Vinci" stamped on someone's butt or something. I think people's bodies
need to be kept to themselves and their significant other, not to the whole world. And the scene can pretty
much go unnoticed if it's quick and over witih. But on and on and on these two people went at it. They're
screwing like dogs in heat, I GET IT ALREADY! Where did it fit with the plot?

2.) Not that much more had been achieved at the end than in the beginning. Okay, the man won the contest.
That's great. Kudos to him. I'm glad he finally got the nerve up and didn't get "choked". But he was still no
further along. He still lived in a trailor, still worked his butt off, still had no dreams materialize, etc etc. The
only thing accomplished was him getting over his stage fright and winning a contest that he even said he
didn't care about winning anyway.

and I don't really enjoy movies with trailor trash people in them. At least not if they stay that way through
the whole movie. Not to say that he was trailor trash...his mother was. And she was a dead-beat no count
mother and the only way she tried to fix it was to win bingo. Yes, that changes everything....not...

Nothing aggravates me more than people honking the horn. I don't understand why it was even
invented. Yesterday I was walking downtown Atlanta to eat dinner with my cousin and her husband (
who are in the CIA might I add.) and every single person on the freaking road was honking the horn.
There was apparently no reason for the loud obnoxious hand slap against the rubber that makes that
noise...so eventually I became so frustrated I screamed,"SHUTUP!!!!!!!!!!" as loud as I could to at
least 750 people. Everyone stopped. Then they began randomly honking the horn at poor little me
standing infuriated on the sidewalk. I informed them that they should read between the lines and left
it at that.

My uncle is a funny guy. I never really knew that. He came back to America to be with my aunt and it
was supposed to be a surprise. Of course my great-aunt told her (as usual) and he starting railing to
whoever would hear. He said (in an extremely thick British accent),"I would like to inquire why she told
Angela about me being here and I would love to see her go dry for excuses while I railed at her in my
sexy attractive English accent!" Then we got to talking about careers and being positive and modeling
and so forth and so on. Mom told him she thought he should be a model. To which I quipped,"Oh
yeah. A Calvin Klein underwear model!" and he said,"oh my God no....I'm way too sexy to graze the
cover of a magazine. Why think of all the accidents it would cause!" ...no comment and moving on.
He's also very blunt too. I mentioned to him that I needed to shave and he said,"Ah, growing well then
are we? Or just trying to see if the 'goat look' is fashionable?" I would laugh if that were funny.

On another note, my best friend Lori and I have decided to take it upon ourselves to become fluent
in German. Once that language has been attained into our simple, yet extremely brilliant minds we will
continue on to the University of Heidelberg in...where else...Germany. There we will become better
than all of you. Guten tag.

PS Last and official name change: Nele Renatae Ulrich

I'm here in Atlanta. My aunt is dying of cancer and only has a few days left. I broke
my glasses. I broke my brand new contact. I am not happy.

I didn't know what hospital they took my aunt to, then I found out she was at Emory.
I went to Emory hospital only to find out that there were two Emory hospitals and the
one I was at was not the one she was at. I had to walk up two flights of the parking
garage, walk to the other side of the building, go up an elevator, walk down another
walkway to find this out. Then I had to run to make it on time because it costs if you
are in the parking lot for more than 15 minutes. Lucky me. It was pretty much the
same thing at the other hospital. But I did find something interesting. People in
Atlanta can't give directions for crap! I got lost more times than I knew was possible.
At the hospital we found out the news on my aunt. My uncle is still in a state of "If I
believe it will happen, it will happen" and is therefore refusing to accepted the fact
she has a limited time left. She was hallucinating and talking about a big pipe that
said,"big wompum" on it.

On my frustrating voyage of being lost, I came to stop light that refused to change.
I became so mad I started honking at the light knowing it wouldn't hear me but doing
it anyway. I felt better temporarily.

Someone who thinks I'm her friend calls wanted me to take her somewhere. I told
her earlier that I was in Atlanta and reminded her again of where I was. She then
proceeded to ask me how long it would take me to get back home. Ah...stupidity is
such a hard disease to cure.

On an unrelated note: my blog is screwed up and I am not happy.